Alright, losers, I started a blog. You happy now?

Consider this your warning: festering ooze ahead

2008-08-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

Many of you have been following the saga of "The Festering Wound". For those of you who aren't familiar, I have had a mysterious lump on my leg since about March that will randomly decide to ooze. I have had numerous people look at it and tell me what they believe it to be; however, that has led me to receiving about 15 different diagnoses and treatment regimens. It became infected this past weekend and yesterday it was so painful and swollen/oozy that I could barely walk. I decided to go to Urgent Care.

So many of you have been following the Festering Wound story that I had to post a picture of it on the blog. Quite frankly, it has developed such a personality over time that it probably deserves a blog of its own. But I'm too lazy for that.

For those of you who are squeamish or are sick of hearing me talk about the Festering Wound, my apologies. I hope to be rid of it soon.

I took this picture last night around 9:00pm after the antibiotics kicked in and a lot of the swelling went down. The black circle drawn on my leg was the doctor's marking around where the redness had extended when I was being treated.

Coco, I dare you to recreate this.

Down time

2008-05-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been nuts. I've been busy with choir, the fashion show, audits at work, and general debauchery when time allowed. Well, my constant running around finally caught up with me and I got sick. Poop.

I must admit that it's been really relaxing spending the last two nights doing absolutely nothing. As soon as I get home from work I put on my pajamas, put the kettle on for a cup of tea, wrap myself up in a blanket, and read. I always forget how much I love to read; unfortunately, the book I'm reading right now is most likely going to be an utter disappointment.

I do have to say, though, that I am extremely picky when it comes to fiction. It's not uncommon for me to yell at a book and hurl it across the room when I've finished reading it. I think this reaction is because it's very difficult for me to read a novel without feeling like the plot is completely manufactured and awkwardly presented to the reader to accept as reality. I struggle making that statement, though, because essentially a work of fiction is, by nature, fabricated so I shouldn't be so picky...but I am.

**I will also note that there is just as much terrible non-fiction out there, as well. I may be a pretentious book critic, but I am not a genre-snot.**

I was lent The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian by the VP of my company when I told him how much I love The Great Gatsby, as it follows a made-up descendent of Tom and Daisy Buchanan. I warned him that I am overly critical of fiction, but he suggested I read it anyway. So far, I'm not impressed. Of course the main character is emotionally isolated because she was almost raped when she was 18. Of course the only person she can really "connect" with is her cousin with Downs Syndrome and the homeless people she works with. Of course the handsome upstairs neighbor is madly in love with her but unable to break down her walls. *sigh*

I will hold off making any more negative comments until after I have finished reading the whole novel.

On a positive note, scattered throughout the book are photographs that were taken in real life by a homeless man with schizophrenia which I think are really fantastic. I'd buy the book just to look at those photographs again.

Sloths are nutty

2008-05-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

Celebratory mini-post

2008-04-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

One of my clients saved someone else's life on their lunch break by performing the Heimlich maneuver on them. This has nothing to do with me or my job but I'm super proud of him. I'm writing out a card that I'm going to mail him tomorrow.

Because I'm too lazy to post anything else now

2008-04-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

Stranger Things Have Happened, NE Minneapolis

Old treasures

2008-04-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

I was going through old bookmarks today and I found this gem. It's a few years old but it still made me smile when I watched it again.

Enjoy!

Milestone day!

2008-04-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

My client with the foot fetish got his ID today! This is something that he has been trying to get since 1999. It's easy to forget how difficult it is to obtain government-issued anything when you no longer have a birth certificate, social security card, driver's license, or health insurance. Since I started working with him last August, I've been trying to figure out a way through the massive catch-22 and it was tedious, to say the least. But things are on the up and up now since he has the temporary ID and is just waiting for the real thing to come in the mail.

When I asked him what the first thing he was going to do once he got his ID was he told me, "Go to the nudie bars and get the fuck out of Minnesota."

Part of me wants to give him a couple singles to help celebrate.

April Fool's Day mini-post

2008-04-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

Six years ago, I called my parents and told them that my brother had eloped with his psychotic girlfriend of the time. My parents have always been good about keeping their noses out of their kids' business, but I knew that my mom was desperately hoping that the five-year-long roller coaster of a relationship would end.

When my mom started bawling into the phone I sheepishly murmured "....April Fooooooool's....." and decided to retire the tradition.

You know you're a redneck when...

2008-03-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

Ammo and ham

2008-03-23T20:14:00.001-07:00

I spent Easter shooting guns and eating ham with Hedy De Vine and her family. I had never fired a gun before and it turns out I'm pretty damn good at it (sort of). Four out of my five hits on the target were made with the first round of ammo. This experience still doesn't change the way I feel about guns or my opinions on gun control, but it was a blast. I would go target practicing again in a heartbeat.

Does that make me a hypocrite?

Someone's getting the travel bug...

2008-03-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

Recent discussion of road trips has prompted me to reminisce about some of my past adventures on the road. While some may feel otherwise, I am a fan huge of the road trip. Whether it’s the family road trip (about which most people have at least one harrowing tale) the road trip with friends, or, if you’re so bold, the solitary road trip. While I do not take road trips all that often anymore (rarely, in fact) I have experienced, to some degree, all three categories of road trips and have come to the conclusion that road trip stories often go hand in hand with TGHW stories. Trips. Gone. Horribly. Wrong. These are my favorite trips. Despite the general carnage involved in trips gone horribly wrong, they always bring a smile to my face when I think back. I have a lot of TGHW stories (remind me to tell you about walking around at 4am trying to find the police station soaking wet and legally blind….) but my last true road trip is one of my all time favorites.

Two years ago, I took a trip with a few other people to Atlanta, Georgia. The idea for the trip was the product of a heated discussion regarding No Child Left Behind that ensued after a statement was made that Georgia was nationally ranked as one of the lowest states in terms of high school retention/ graduation rates.

We had gotten an appointment with a member of the Atlanta Board of Education, we had an appointment with the superintendent of one of the school districts in the city, and one of the people on the trip had contacts at a non-profit in Atlanta that was devoted to social justice, etc. (the name escapes me now….crap). In retrospect, it seems like a somewhat overzealous endeavor stemming from a discussion, but whatever. With social change on the brain and a sense of adventure in our pockets we set off down south in a van that had a jumpy accelerator and no suspension.

Things went downhill pretty fast. We had agreed to drive straight through from Minneapolis to Atlanta and around hour 12 on the road it became pretty evident that 3 people on the trip were complete lunatics, two of which had decided that they didn’t want to be on this trip anymore and were trying to rally everyone else to turn the van around. Hell no.

Our lodging in Atlanta was conveniently located in a crack neighborhood boasting the seediest strip club I have ever seen in my life. We filled up at the gas station across the street and I noticed that the bouncer of the club was wearing rubber surgical gloves. *shudder* We had arranged to stay at a community center-turned-hostel and as we parked we noticed that the parking lot was literally COVERED in used condoms. I’m not talking about a number of used condoms strewn about; no, EVERY step you took involved stepping on at least three condoms. When asked about the condoms in the parking lot the woman who let us into the community center shrugged and said, “at least they’re being safe”. She had a point. The woman gave us a key to the empty room (literally) that we would be staying in and prepared to leave for the evening giving us a few instructions on her way out, “Showers are across the street; don’t walk too far, though. Listen for gunshots and remember, our door is heavy; ain’t no one busting down that door. Oh, and don’t drink the water. Goodnight!”

Our attempts at driving around Atlanta always resulted in one of the three lunatics screaming at whoever was driving accusing them of going the wrong way or, in the event that one of them was the driving, refusing to listen to the person who was holding the map. We got horribly lost a number of times. I let this slide, though, as this seems to be a pretty standard aspect of a road trip.

On day two of the trip, Ryan came down with the Norwalk virus which quickly spread to 3 other people in our group. I was the only one who didn’t get nauseated at the sight/sound of vomit and soon earned the title of “house marm” as I sat on the floor giving water to my retching trip mates. On night four of the trip, Ryan and I made the decision to take the latest victim of the Norwalk virus to the emergency room because he was so sick he couldn’t move. Miraculously, I was spared the agony of the Norwalk virus despite nearly swimming in vomit and excrement for two days straight.

Our 20 hour drive back to the Cities was spent nearly in silence after Lunatic 1 started to literally choke Lunatic 2 for “playing shitty music and refusing to change it”. The four Norwalk victims were exhausted from spending the last few days horking into a dirty toilet on a cold cement floor and I was exhausted from cleaning up after them.

Surprisingly enough, we managed to keep our appointments and, among other people, we had a great chat with Khaatim S. El who is an amazing guy.

Plus, I found one of my favorite pieces of street art to date:

It’s a squirrel wearing a jumpsuit!

Compassion gone awry

2008-03-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

Bob* lives in an old apartment building. A couple months ago, Bob became aware that there were mice living in the walls of his apartment. Just recently the mice started to migrate out of the walls and take over Bob's living space. Bob didn't want to kill the mice, but Bob got fed up. Bob rigged some traps out of glass casserole dishes and wooden spoons.

When Bob caught the first mouse, he went to the park across the street to release it. Bob set the mouse down on the snow and started to walk away but then started to feel guilty. Rather than frolicking in the snow, the mouse started to shriek and run around in circles. The mouse found a footprint impacted in the snow and tried to curl up for warmth in the muddy imprint of the heel. Bob felt really sad seeing this and decided to re-capture the mouse and bring it back into his apartment.

Bob has since captured more of the mice that are infesting his apartment. For the time being, he is keeping them in a special mouse home he made and is feeding them dried peas. When the spring thaw arrives, Bob will take the mice and release them in the park.

Wow.

chomp

2008-03-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

I’m not particularly squeamish. In fact, it’s pretty safe to say that it takes a lot to make me squirm. I’ve never been afraid of bugs, but based on the way that I react to insect bites I probably should be. I’m sitting here right now soaking my foot because my toe is twice its normal size. I think I was bitten by a spider at some point today. I haven’t seen a spider in months, but it’s all I can think of to explain why my toe is so swollen.

While I was living in the quaint, yet bustling metropolis of Aix-en-Provence, France I crashed at my friend’s house a number of times. She lived in Eguilles; out in the country where the creepy crawlies roamed. I was sleeping on her floor, once, and during the night I rolled over a scorpion. I woke up the next morning with a giant welt on my hip. As the day progressed, the welt grew until it reached a diameter of about 4 inches. The woman at the pharmacy gasped when I showed her my hip and scrambled to find a salve for the bite. I wish I had taken a picture of that welt…it was so nasty. Heh.

Funny to think about those invisible monsters you know are lurking about.

Internet!

2008-03-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

I have a reliable internet connection again. Yay! Unfortunately, I don't really have anything worthwhile to post. Work has been pretty nuts lately and it culminated with a horribly shitty meeting with the president today. I don't want to spend all my energy griping about work because I love my job but I was really disheartened today. I met with the president of the company to present my budget for the year and to "problem solve" ways to turn the company's slump around in terms of my position and the department. Two hours into the meeting it sunk in that the president really doesn't care about my caseload and that this meeting was solely to make herself feel better for "making an effort". Sorry ma'am, don't expect me to kiss your ass when you pretend to care. It doesn't work that way.

Enough of that. I'm done complaining.

Since work has been on my mind so much, I thought I'd give you a glimpse of my job.

This is my office. When I started, my office was in our main building, but one of our contracts got so big we needed to lease out additional warehouse space. This was the result. My office was moved to a former carpet sample showroom with the additional warehouse space in the back. We still get "Drycleaning Quarterly" and other carpet-related trade magazines mailed to our address. They're fantastic. I've suggested that we bring in some extra money by subcontracting and renting out the crazy amounts of open space in the office by teaching square dancing lessons.

This is my desk. Notice how things tend to explode when it comes time to audit the files of your 40 clients.

These are my four dying plants. I originally only had one plant, but people kept giving me more when they didn't want to take care of their own plants any longer. I don't know why I keep accepting them because I have the tendency to kill plants and sure 'nuff these puppies are not in good health. Hrmm...

And this is Buddha Kitty, otherwise known as the Oracle of Meow. No desk is complete without a bronze-cast, slightly creepy cat sculpture.

Random ramblings

2008-02-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday I decided to be an honest citizen and called Comcast to have my internet reinstated and transferred to my new apartment. While it's great that my karma is being restored and blah, blah, blah I still have to wait until March 5 before the next repair tech can come out. Fucking Comcast. Friday, my neighbor must have gotten fed up with me stealing their internet and put password protection on the network. So right now I'm sitting at Nina's Coffee Cafe catching up on email and whatnot.

I had an interesting opportunity present itself this past week. I was contacted by a woman who is creating a pilot program through the Hope Lodge in Minneapolis where I would be providing Reiki therapy to the residents undergoing cancer treatment. I think this is such a great opportunity for these people to receive a bit of nurturing and comfort in an otherwise sterile medical environment. Cancer treatments are so emotionally and physically draining that I can't imagine having to undergo the treatments away from home. So regardless of your thoughts and opinions on the efficacy of Reiki, everyone feels better after they get a hug or a massage, right? Same thing. She's still trying to figure out the schedule for the treatments so it might be a while before I start but I am really looking forward to working with them. I hope the program is successful.

That's pretty much it with me. Sorry I've been so boring lately. Hopefully I'll have some more wit to add soon.

2007 wrap up

2007-12-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

This was one hell of a week. On Wednesday, I returned home from Christmas in Chicago to my cats wigging out from the smoke alarm beeping and shorting out in my bedroom. I opened the bedroom door to find brown water leaking from the ceiling. What I had originally believed to be a minor leak from the upstairs unit ended up being a nightmare of a roof malfunction. At this moment every single item from my bedroom has been crammed into my living room, the ceiling in my bedroom has been completely removed, and the carpet has been torn up and is being blown dry by two giant fans and a dehumidifier. I have plastic tubes running from my bedroom into my bathroom sink to provide an outlet for all of the water that gets sucked out by the dehumidifier. This is day 3 of my living room slumber party and I have been told it will continue like this until they figure out who is liable for the roof damage. That determines what repair crew they bring in to fix everything up. They anticipate it will get repaired in the next week. Cross your fingers. I feel horrible for the occupant of the unit above mine. The water damage to his unit was so extensive they had to tear down his entire ceiling and all of his walls. His king sized bed is destroyed. What's even worse is that he is still on vacation. I wonder if I'll be able to hear him scream when he gets back....

In other partially unrelated news, I'm moving to St. Paul! Originally, I was planning to move to a new place in April but having to deal with this shit sparked my curiosity and I poked around the listings on Craigslist. I ended up finding my newly renovated dream apartment for the exact same rent as what I'm paying now complete with brick walls, hardwood floors, french doors, beveled glass, a garden, and garage parking. Granted, it's located on top of an adult bookstore and it's smaller than the place I'm currently in but I'm totally excited. Never would I have expected that I would be moving to St. Paul but February first can't come soon enough.

Meanwhile, I'm going to get back to cleaning the dry wall dust from my belongings to the melodious droning of the giant fans in my bedroom.

Happy New Years, everyone!

'Tis the season

2007-12-18T20:40:00.000-08:00

We all have that family member who is just a bit off and it always seems to be the most noticeable around the holidays.

I received a package today from my dad's sister Mick. Upon opening this Christmas/birthday gift (she did not include a card) I discovered that I was given a collection of objects from around her house. I curiously opened each newspaper-wrapped item and laid them all out on my table: a pink vinyl coin purse, a ball point pen, a calculator, and a sculpture made out of sea shells. I had a flashback to the scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where Aunt Bethany wraps up her cat and gives it away as a Christmas gift.

Given that I have yet to buy a single Christmas gift, I'm torn-- do I stoop so low as to regift or should I take the high road and wrap up one of my cats?

Anyone want a sea shell sculpture?

Haunted House 2007

2007-11-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

Forest creatures

This picture was taken in the dark right after a group went through.

Getting in character can be so hard sometimes.

The haunted house this year was a success. Over the course of the three nights, we had about 1000 people go through. I continually forgot to wear my contacts so I never got to really take in the reactions of the people but the blobs were all screaming (with some tears!) when they went through our room. We all confessed at the end that we weren't looking forward to our theme this year, thinking that a haunted forest wouldn't be scary enough, but we upheld our title from each past season of being the room that's "freakin' nuts".

...And it was created by a bunch of chicks.

New license, new plates, and a sucker stuck to my ass

2007-10-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

It's official. I am a Minnesota resident. I made a trip to the DMV today to take the driver's test and get my Minnesota plates. I was actually surprised at how much nicer the DMV at Chicago and Lake is than the DMV that I went to in Illinois. Well done, Minnesota. The DMV I went to in Illinois was truly hellish. It was in a seedy strip mall and it smelled like cheap plastic chairs and body odor.

Unlike in Illinois, the DMV attendant let me approve my picture before she submitted it although I wasn't picky. I've been told that my Illinois license photo makes me look like an asian man with a black eye. Anything is an improvement over that.
I accepted the first one she took.

I stopped at a mechanic on the way home from my adventure at the DMV to get a long-overdue oil change and get my new plates put on the car. The mechanic put his hand on my shoulder as he was giving me the keys back and politely told me, "Umm....you have a sucker stuck to your ass". We all had a good laugh and they comped me a few bucks off the bill. I love Minneapolis.

Looks like I'm sticking it out here for the long haul.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

2007-10-18T15:50:00.001-07:00

So it's set. The theme this year for our haunted house room is "Haunted Forest". It may not be as conventionally scary as our vampire room last year or the zombie room the year before, but I'm super excited. Each year we do it, we try to break the record set the previous year for the number of people we make cry going through our room. Now it's time for me to think of how I'm going to interpret the theme for my character....should I be a haunted tree? A witch? I was also thinking of being someone who was hanged...now THAT would be pretty scary, if I could pull it off without actually hanging myself.

Decisions, decisions.

If any of you are interested in participating this year, let me know and I'll give you the details.

It's really fun...and this is coming from someone who personally hates getting scared.

Plant euthanasia

2007-10-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

About two years ago, my grandma dug out an offshoot of one of her many aloe plants when I went down to Florida to surprise her for her 90th birthday. She insisted I take it home with me because she found out that I didn't have any plants in my apartment. She wrapped it up in a piece of newspaper and told me to hide it in my suitcase. The aloe plant survived for four days wrapped up in a piece of newspaper and smashed in the bottom of my suitcase.

At it's peak, my aloe plant reproduced and made four more aloe seedlings in the pot but lately it has been looking pretty sad. The original aloe that my grandma gave me mysteriously became dislodged from it's root base and died. Then the babies began to slowly but surely lose steam. I didn't want to throw out the plant because it was a gift from my grandma so I kept trying to care for it hoping it would one day spring back.

Today, I came home from work to find that my cats had moved their scratching post over right next to the pot and ate each and every remaining seedling. At least the poor plant is out of its misery now.

I'm actually pretty surprised it lasted this long to begin with. The lighting in my apartment sucks.

Meow

2007-10-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me that I haven't taken any pictures since my Peru trip. So how could I resist documenting this cute moment?

Brace yourself

2007-10-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

I saw the most amazing thing driving home from work just now---- an albino squirrel!! At first I thought it was a weird looking cat, but then I realized that it was indeed a squirrel. It wasn't just light grey, it was freaking snow white!

My life feels just a little bit more complete now.

I has skillz

2007-10-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

So after the rest of you bailed on Musical Bingo, Aaron and I went anyway. After sitting through an 8 hour conference on Social Security benefits I needed a drink. Bingo wasn't quite cutting it last night so we ended up playing Scrabble. I won albeit it was a VERY close game and we ended up pretty much combining our efforts at the tail end. My retribution was served, however, when it later came out that I have no drawing skills whatsoever. I love to paint, but I'm limited to abstract. I cannot recreate objects or figures for the life of me. I can draw a great triangle, a pretty good square, and an adequate hexagon but I seem to lose it when I advance to the octagon.
Stars? Forget it.

I found a great tool online: (thanks to akidsheart.com)

It's pretty hard to read, but if you look closely you can see rows of very amusing dotted-lined shapes that you trace. Once you feel comfortable enough, you can move on to drawing them free-form.
It's pretty intense.

I think I'm going to print it off and spend some time practicing with my box of crayons. If I do well enough on this worksheet, maybe I'll get to advance to rhombuses and trapezoids.

"Sick Time" Addendum

2007-10-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my client today. The hospital told her she had gas cramps.

So I guess she wanted her sick time

2007-10-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

Today started off on the wrong foot. I arrived at work way early (7:00!) because I had a ton of stuff to do before my 8:30 meeting with a new client only to realize that I left my new security code on my desk and had no way of getting into my new office until someone else showed up.

Later in the day I was paged because another one of my clients was in the nurse's office complaining of chest pains. Now I know, chest pains are a potentially serious issue and I respect anyone who feels that they may be having a heart attack; however, this woman has an extensive history of attention-seeking behavior and, generally, one must take everything she says or does with a grain of salt. The nurse checked her vitals and everything was FINE. She went to take off her sweater and a boat-load of candy fell out of her pockets and spilled all over the floor. The nurse and I started to question the candy and her story started to change. Over the course of our ten minute consultation, my client's story changed in whatever way was necessary to deem her "officially sick" and allow her to leave early. I told her that she didn't have enough accrued sick time to use if she left early, but I couldn't prevent her from going home; she would just have to take unpaid time off if she was feeling sick.

My client left the nurse's office to call home for a ride because she wanted to leave. Ten minutes later I got paged because my client had called 911 instead of calling her guardian. An ambulance was rounding the corner to pick her up. My client gathered up her belongings and practically skipped out to greet the paramedics. Her parents are going to be thrilled when they get the bill for her $4000 ride home.

One of these things is not like the other...

2007-10-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

Guerrilla Reorganization Tactics

2007-10-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to use this new job of mine as a turning point in my living habits. Along with "Business Lesley" comes "Reorganization Lesley". I recently helped out at a yard sale and loaded up on a bunch of items that I've been meaning to purchase for my living quarters for quite some time. Among other things I got a small table, some additional seating, and some cute storage thingies to put random crap in. I am also in the beginning stages of building some funky shelves in my bedroom using antique ammunition boxes that were given to me. Unfortunately, my body is still adapting to the dazed feeling I have returning home from work after 8 hours of listening to my clients discuss their paranoias or their bodily functions, mediating conflicts, and attending meetings. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my clients, but my body has to kick into overdrive in to return to a feeling of coherance at the end of the day.

Needless to say, my apartment is a total war zone right now and I feel a bit like I'm in a catch 22. I find it a bit redundant to clean when I know I'm going to be moving the shit around right away, but I have no place to do my arranging because my apartment is too cluttered. Once my guerilla reorganization tactics make my plans come to fruition, however, my apartment is going to be freaking sweet.

Remind me not to wear heels to work

2007-08-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

I had originally hoped to avoid going grocery shopping until I got my first paycheck but when I saw that I had nothing to eat for dinner tonight but yogurt I decided that I need to revise my plan.

In other news, I heard all about my client's foot fetish today...in a strictly non-harrassment way. He told me how much he enjoys smelling and licking women's shoes. My response: "Hmmm. While I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to share that with me....I don't think that information is necessary for our work together."

Officially pooped

2007-08-05T19:55:00.001-07:00

First week at the job: exhausting. This is the first job where I'm actually important and have a shit-ton of work to do constantly. My previous jobs have been administrative peon-type roles.

I had the company picnic today. They had a caricature artist there. My caricature makes me look like the spawn of Candace Bergen and Velma from Scooby Doo.

Wish me luck for week two. I'm crashing early tonight.

A phone conversation with Mom

2007-07-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

Mom: Les, I need your help.

Me: What's up?

Mom: I think I discovered the source of my sleeping problems. I think I have so much trouble falling asleep because I'm afraid I'll have sad dreams.

Me: So how do you want me to help?

Mom: Well, I thought that if I could find a way to trick myself into thinking that I was already sad I would be able to fall asleep because I wouldn't be afraid of having sad dreams.

Me: So you want me to....?

Mom: Tell me the names of the most gut-wrenchingly sad movies you can think of and I'll watch one every night before I go to bed.

_____________________________

Folks, I am not making this up. I love my family.

A brief lesson in irony

2007-07-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

My last week of freedom before starting a new job was dampered by the fact that my two months of unemployment have left me with no money. I've been spending my time reading which is very relaxing and something that I haven't done in a while but I have to say I am looking forward to tomorrow....and a pay check.

Once I get that pay check, though, I'm fairly certain that my feelings will change.

Road trip!

2007-07-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

As of noon tomorrow, I will be well on my way to the city of cheese, dreams, and the Kohler museum of plumbing fixtures. You guessed correct my friends, I'M GOING TO SHEBOYGAN!

I'm meeting up with my family for a mini family reunion and driving my super cool aunt and uncle back to the cities with me to spend a few days before they fly home to Seattle.

While it's not the ideal location for a road trip (I would have much rather driven to the Grand Canyon, Seattle, or Boulder) it will still be a great way to spend a few days before I start my job on the 30th.

Try not to be too jealous of me while I bask in the glory of the famous bathrooms of the Kohler Museum.

Relief!

2007-07-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

I am now officially EMPLOYED! I start in two weeks which is great because my car is being dumb again and I've pretty much entered the Danger Zone of my bank account. Along with the offer, however, came news of a bunch of projects that have recently come up and, since I will be the only one with my job title in that department, I will immediately have a crapload of work on my plate.

So now, how do I spend my last two weeks of freedom?

Why do I suspect that's NOT powdered sugar on your nose?

2007-07-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I was in a public restroom minding my own business in the stall when I hear a few soft snorting noises coming from the stall next to me. Immediately I was taken back to the summer I lived in London and smiled as I remembered my shock upon hearing those same noises for the first time in the bathrooms of the drug-infested dance clubs I went to occasionally. I suddenly heard some very loud, forceful snorts and then a nasty cough-sneeze and looked down in horror to see blood spattered all over the floor of my neighboring stall. Before I could make up my mind to yell out in disgust or peek under the stall wall to look for signs of an overdose I heard her toilet flush and saw her walk out of the stall as if nothing had happened. I looked at her in grotesque awe as she casually walked away from the blood-splattered floor and left the bathroom.

So remember kids: Be cool, stay in school. And don't do drugs. If you do, you'll wind up like some nasty woman sneezing blood all over the floor of a public restroom.

Zombified

2007-07-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

So I now have two situations that will not get resolved until next week. One of which is utterly CONSUMING my mind. It has been ages since I have been consumed like this and it's starting to freak me out because it seems that it is completely out of my control. Every waking second is spent on plotting Scenario A or imagining Scenario B. I am also back to being a raging insomniac because I can't stop thinking about this stuff. I haven't fallen asleep before 3:30am since last Thursday. Even my dreams are being invaded by all of this. I'm starting to slowly unravel as the week crawls on and I won't find out about the job until Monday.

Needless to say, this week is interminable.

I think that I'd like to give out hugs for a living...is that a career goal?

2007-07-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I had a job interview today. I've fallen in love with the position and if I don't get it I'm seriously going to be SOL because I haven't really been looking elsewhere for positions.

I think the interview went really well. We talked for an hour and a half, she told me how much she liked my skills and how everyone else really liked me as well. She took me out and introduced me to the people that I would be managing as "Heide's potential replacement".

And then she told me she has a bunch more interviews scheduled this week and that she'll let me know....

Cross your fingers....?

This Pluto thing is seriously kicking my ass

2007-07-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

True to Bev's words my biggest fears and insecurities are being presented to me at this very moment stinking and steaming on a plate. These mundane "tests" and "trials" blow which further proves how necessary they are for me to face.

Excuse me while I go throw up and cry.

No, my jitters are not crack-induced thank you very much

2007-07-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

It's been two months since I've had any caffeine and tonight I went to see the Doug Little Quartet at a coffee shop. One latte later I'm so jittery I'm finding it nearly impossible to control my hands and I can't focus my attention on anything for more than about five seconds. I'm trying to think of what I can do to burn through this caffeine buzz because I'm sure as hell not going to fall asleep any time soon. Any suggestions?

Dead weight

2007-07-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

After getting caught in a pretty severe thunderstorm en route, we ended up doing 2 days worth of canoing on the first day because we weren't sure if there were more storms predicted. Needless to say, I'm back a day early! I can't really move my arms, I don't have the strength to clench my fingers around objects, my butt is seriously bruised from sitting on an aluminum seat for 26 hours worth of canoing/camping, but it was a hella fun trip.

Happy 4th of July, everyone! I'm taking a nap.

Happy Fourth, yo

2007-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

So after a string of notoriously bad 4th of July's (my cat dying, living out of a car, etc.) I'm actually facing a potentially good Independence Day this year. I'll be gone until Thursday; I'm taking a canoe trip for a few days. Aside from the severe storms they're predicting for tomorrow, I think this trip really has potential. Wish me luck and happy 4th of July to all y'alls!

Pictures!!!

2007-07-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

I had problems trying to create a nice, orderly photo show with explanatory text accompanying each photo so here's just a melange of photos from my trip. If you have questions, feel free to ask.

Clever titles don't do this post justice

2007-07-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Let me just start off by apologizing for taking so long to create this post. I’ve been going through a lot of things since I’ve been back--- one of which was being quite unmotivated to sit in front of a computer and put my thoughts into writing. I’ll try to focus a bit more on the ecological and cultural discoveries and insights that I made on the trip rather than the spiritual “stuff” that I experienced on the trip because I’m still struggling to put all that into words without making me sound crazy. Needless to say, I’m still mulling over a lot of the experiences that made the trip so life-changing for me.

Our first real destination was Iquitos, Peru which is the “jungle gateway/capital city” of Peru. We flew in early Tuesday morning with the intent to get us acclimated to the climate, get a few odds and ends for the jungle (rubber boots, etc), and to just absorb the culture a bit. Because it is surrounded by the jungle in three directions, the only way one can get to Iquitos is by plane or by boat. They just recently finished building a highway that leads out of Iquitos, but I believe it only goes to one other city. Because of that, few people in Iquitos have cars. The main mode of transportation is by using what they call Moto-taxis—little rickshaw/motor scooter taxi things. The streets were always congested with Moto-taxis zooming and weaving between each other, stray dogs, and other pedestrians. Looking down at the river, you could see the hundreds of people that lived in small, stilted shanty houses on the river bank as well as the boats bringing in all of the city’s produce and other goods to sell at the market. We had a lovely dinner and then prepared ourselves for our departure the next day into the jungle.

We were met the next morning by the shaman that we would be working with in the jungle as well as our naturalist/interpreter. We boarded a bus and got on the highway that led us out of Iquitos so that we could visit a nearby village to see the medicinal plant garden that the shaman had helped the villagers grow. In that village we got our first lesson about medicinal plants and their uses. We also were invited to visit the elementary school in the village where we were greeted by thirty or forty beaming eight-year-olds. It was priceless.

We continued on the bus and boarded a boat in Nauta and traveled for about an hour and a half into the depths of the jungle to the lodge.

Our time in the jungle was structured around the stifling heat and humidity (minimum 80% humidity in the jungle). We generally rose with the sun every morning and got ready to have breakfast at about 7:30 (being so close to the equator meant that 365 days a year the sun rises at 6am and sets at 6pm). We would then usually go for a hike or a boat ride right after breakfast so that we could be back to the lodge before it got too hot. We had lunch at the lodge and were generally free to swim/meditate/nap/play with monkeys until our late afternoon/evening hike or boat ride when it had cooled down a bit. On the hikes we would see how the medicinal plants we were learning about grew naturally, look for different animal species, and also just absorb the sights and sounds and smells of the jungle. The jungle shamans believe that the healing powers of the jungle come directly from the sights and the sounds and the smells and we took that seriously.

While in the jungle we also took part in 3 different healing ceremonies and had the option of having a private healing with the shaman. I participated in all four ceremonies and had a powerful, physical experience during each one. Going into this trip I was excited to learn about the healing practices of the shamans, but I guess I was a little naïve and didn’t anticipate actually feeling the effects of the jungle energy.

So now, after spending time in the Amazon jungle, I can say the following:

I saw a boa constrictor, 12 sloths, an anteater, Blue Morpho butterflies, and the smallest species of monkey in the world, a tarantula, the largest earthwork I have ever seen in my entire life, among hundreds of other things

I held a baby caiman

I swam with pink dolphins, piranhas, electric eels, and sting rays

I drank water from a vine in the middle of the jungle

I ate the best fish I have ever had in my life

I went piranha fishing and ate what we caught (though not related to above)

I hugged a shaman

I was totally blown away and have a lot to figure out now.

Covered in jungle kisses

2007-06-02T18:53:00.001-07:00

I'm back from the jungle and am reliving it every time I scratch one of my many mosquito bites or "jungle kisses" as I ended up calling them so as not to get stressed about the constant threat of malaria. It was a truly life-changing experience. I'm not saying that as someone who was just excited by what they did on the trip---there were so many things that happened on the trip that I cannot even begin to put into words. I had a breakdown two-thirds of the way through the trip because of some of the unexplainable events that happened...now I sound like I've joined a cult, but it's true. Maybe it was because I was high the whole time from breathing in so much more pure oxygen than we get in America, but I have a lot to reflect on before I can even begin to blog about this trip.

But, so as not to let you all down, I've posted some pics to give you a little taste of the joys of the jungle.

Pimped out like Indiana Jones

2007-05-21T00:25:00.000-07:00

It's 12:30 now. I leave for the airport in 4 hours. I haven't decided yet if I should try to sleep before I leave. Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to sleep even if I tried. I'm pretty jacked up right now. I have a few chores to do...get some bills taken care of for while I'm gone, clean the kitchen, take out take out the trash, etc. It's hard for me to believe that I'm going to be wading through the mud of the Amazon Jungle in a little over a day. I can't wait to wear my "jungle clothes". I'm going to be pimped out like Indiana Jones....only minus the bullwhip. Rather, I'll be armed with sunscreen and granola bars. Prepare yourselves for stories filled with pirrhana eating, monkey touching, and river swimming goodness. Let's hope there will be no running away from anacondas or malaria-induced hallucinations. Check back in a few weeks for pictures.

Wish me luck!

Future comparison: Minnesota jungle

2007-05-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm stressed

2007-05-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I thought I was allergic to my new hypo-allergenic laundry detergent. Three different brands of hypo-allergenic laundry detergent later, I'm still breaking out in hives. I'm getting them mostly on my thighs, shoulders, and the soles of my feet. I haven't really noticed a pattern in the timing of the breakouts so I've either developed an overnight allergy to all laundry detergent or I guess I'm stressed. I'm hoping it's stress, because I'd like to be able to wash my clothes without breaking out in a nasty case of hives.

When I was fifteen I developed an allergy to Benzol Peroxide overnight. I had been using the same acne medication for nearly a year and then *BLAMMO* one morning I woke up and my whole face was neon red and swollen. I had coincidentally used a new brand of soap that night so the next night I used my old brand of soap and the medication. Sure enough, the next morning I woke up with a swollen, neon red face. I haven't been able to touch Benzol Peroxide since. I once used some mystery pimple zapper stuff my cousin had without reading the label. I put a little pin-sized dab on my chin and about 20 minutes later my chin swelled up and turned bright red. I checked the label and saw that its active ingredient was Benzol Peroxide.
Bastard chemicals.

I guess I have reason to be stressed. The hives started about the time that I was getting my Peru stuff in order and taking final exams. I went to the bank today and got some cash for Peru. Minus the amount that's going to be used for June's bills, etc. I have $25 left in my account. Ouch.

Looks like I'll have to start job hunting when I get back.

I'm officially done with school

2007-05-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

What a relief. I'm still exhausted, though, because the fam's in town.

As much as I appreciate them taking time to celebrate with me, it's hard to play hostess all the time. I've been doing lots of this:

Yay for gas being $3.25 a gallon. My one brother finally got to meet the kitties. He fell in love.

How could he not? Anyway, the brothers and sisters-in-law have all left, but the parents will still be staying with me until Wednesday or Thursday. Please forgive me for my lack of posts.

I almost peed my pants on the bus

2007-05-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

No joke. Operation Hydration is proving to be more difficult than previously anticipated. I managed to hold it in while running cross-legged, desperately clenching my poor little bladder muscles to my apartment. Who knew that fishing for one's keys could be such a harrowing experience.

Commencing Operation Hydration

2007-05-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

It's May 1st. 20 days until Peru. I have started drinking obscene amounts of water to try to make sure I'm fully hydrated for my trip. I also need to condition my bladder to hold large quantities of water without having to pee every five minutes....that's a skill that I envy in many people.

In other news, I discovered today that I am allergic to the fancy new hypo-allergenic laundry detergent that I bought a huge bottle of. Go figure. My co-worker told me when I showed her the hives that were spreading all over my body that she has the same reaction to hypo-allergenic dogs. Fancy that!

Disease babies

2007-04-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

I got my Peru vaccines today. Four of 'em. Yellow Fever, Dysentery, Hepatitis A, and a Tetanus booster. I also have to take 17 malaria pills that cost $6 a pop. I feel like Mr. Burns in that one episode of the Simpsons where he has every disease imaginable and that is why he never gets sick. I now have little baby diseases swimming around in me keeping my immune system in a perfect state of fragile equilibrium.

For those of you who aren't familiar with my upcoming Peru trip, on May 21 I'm going to Peru to study herbal medicine and spiritual healing in the Amazon Jungle with a shaman. The doctor asked me in the consultation where I was going to be staying---"in a hotel, hostel, or with a family?" I responded, "ummm....in the jungle". He pondered my response for a moment and then placed a check in the box marked "hostel" since, as he put it, hostels can be pretty dirty.

It ended with a lift

2007-04-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

I’d like you all to meet Audrey.

Audrey is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We have been friends since middle school and our relationship has evolved to that level that’s really annoying to outsiders because we finish eachother’s sentences, read eachother’s minds, and relay information through completely fragmented thoughts. This is exemplified by our conversation last night:

Me: Who knows what's going to come out of [my] Peru trip

Audrey: You and Sean Connery are going to live in the rain forest and make awesome music that kids will skate to for ice shows

Me: HA! Can it be Pierce Brosnan instead?

Audrey: Oooo yeah, better

Me: I thought so

Audrey: Oh hell how about the whole cast of the departed

Me: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Audrey: yeah, pretty much

Me: I'm going to a fancy ball on Saturday as the date of a gay man

Audrey: oh shut up, you're so lucky

That being said, we are complete opposites (see below picture). If we were married, she would most definitely be the wife and I would most definitely be the husband. One could say, we complete each other. (That was overly sappy, feel free to gag)

Unfortunately, Audrey and I only get to see each other once or twice a year. When we do get together, we generally spend half the time catching up or reminiscing and the other half of the time laughing hysterically and wetting our pants. There was the time I completely doused Audrey’s face with Vaseline, lotion, and baby powder and then put enough makeup on her to make her look like a diseased Elizabethan whore for our Shakespeare class project in 8th grade….

There was the time that we were driving with her former boyfriend after going shopping and his car started on fire because his brother tried installing rope lights on the dashboard….

And then there was the time that we randomly made a skit inspired by my bridesmaid dress for my brother’s wedding where we were two gay Germans named Yamas and Yim who were holding beer steins and wearing lederhosen. In addition to creating the character profiles, we ended up choreographing and performing a lederhosen-inspired clog dance that ended with a lift. I wish I could say that we did that when we were fourteen, but I believe it was only two or three years ago.

Wait....what?????

2007-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

So I just got sent home from work because of a bomb threat. After we got evacuated from the building, we were standing outside waiting to hear whether we'd be able to return to work or just go home. About 20 minutes later, more troops showed up: about 5 more squad cars, a few police officers on horseback, the channel 5 news team, a few helicopters, and a gigantic Girls Gone Wild tour bus. The GGW bus pulled up right next to where I was standing, opened its giant bus door (that happened to be painted to resemble some girl's silicone-enhanced cleavage) and a bunch of nasty meat-heat guys jumped out and started running around handing out flyers for a GGW super breast-a-thon that was going on this weekend.

Not only do I regret not having my camera to capture the Girls Gone Wild bus parked in front of a giant police barricade, but also to capture the priceless facial expression of a poor college freshman talking to her parents on the phone worried about the bomb scare while confusedly holding a flyer picturing a drunk co-ed exposing herself.

Elvis Costello is stalking me!!!

2007-04-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

Friday: Had one line of an Elvis Costello song stuck in my head all day

Saturday: Said song still in my head. Turned on radio when driving my friend home, heard said song on radio.

Sunday: Turned on radio when driving to meditation thing. NEW Elvis Costello song playing on radio. New song mocking me while I desperately attempt to tune it out and meditate.

Monday: Sitting in first class of the day and hear the people next to me talk about Elvis Costello.

No joke.

Trying not to let the peeps down

2007-04-10T15:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been lame again and haven't posted anything for a while. I have a lot of stuff worth posting but it's all up in the air right now. I promise I shall return with many updates, pictures, and witty anecdotes galore. Just gimme a little time for my hell week to pass.

He told me it was because he was older than me

2007-04-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

I have horrible vision. Over Christmas, I was riding in the car with my family and we decided to put my vision to the test. I would take off my glasses and see how close we had to be to an approaching billboard in order for me to be able to just barely read what it was advertising. I failed the test. No matter how close the BILLBOARDS got, I was never able to read them.

I don’t know what the technical definition of being “legally blind” is, but I’m pretty darn close.

My mom didn’t believe that I needed glasses. I always wanted to wear them because I thought they were cool so when I told my mom that I actually needed them she accused me of crying wolf. My mom is a firm believer in “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” so since I could still function with my vision at the time, there was no need for me to wear glasses. I was in third grade and my brother and I were playing a game that involved reading the microwave clock. I was confused why he could read the clock from all the way across the room and I had to be close to the clock to read it. He told me it was because he was older than me; I told him he was full of crap.

My dad snuck me to the eye doctor behind my mom’s back.

I'm so happy I peed a little!

2007-04-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

I swore I wouldn’t post at work but I’m too excited to just go back to sitting with my thumb up my butt at the office pushing papers around.

Today started off really crappy. I was supposed to be at the office at 8:00 to cover the front desk and I woke up at 7:57. This was the second time in a row that I’ve woken up when I should technically be at the office and I felt pretty idiotic having to call in late again. In my absolute mad scramble to get out of my apartment to catch the 8:15 bus (3 blocks away) I got dressed without wearing my glasses which resulted in me putting my undies on inside out and wearing clothes that just ended up looking a bit “off”. I came in looking quite pathetic with major bed-head and raindrops all over my glasses because I forgot my umbrella.

Cut to my lunch break when I walked into a restaurant only to discover that the person taking my order is my long lost friend REX! Rex was one of my closest friends from the Hell-on-Earth bead shop that I worked at a few years ago and we lost contact when he moved away to reorganize his life a little bit. Well he moved back and I was so excited to see him that I got a little misty eyed.

The end.

Just think of me as your Jockey shorts

2007-04-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself with so much on your mind that you realize you've been staring at the wall in your shower spacing out for 20 minutes? I've been taking a lot of those showers lately.

What's been troubling me most lately is the fact that come May I'll be unemployed because the funding for my job is based on the fact that I am a student. At this point, I have no prospects for employment and I've estimated that I will have about one month's worth of money to live off of come May....minus the money that I'll be spending on my Peru trip (that will be a future post for those of you who aren't already familiar). So yeah, maybe 20-ish days to live off of....? I have one potential offer, but it is contingent on someone at the company's husband getting a job out of state so I'm not banking on it, though it would make things soooo easy for me. A girl can dream, can't she?

I was talking about this with my dad and his response to me was the following: "Les, just think of me as your Jockey shorts. I'll try to support you as best as I can..." While his words of wisdom probably wouldn't be heard coming out of the mouth of the Dalai Lama, I thought it was hysterical.

So remember kids, whenever you're feeling a little lost, just turn to your Jockey shorts for support.

Warning: Obnoxious pet story ahead

2007-03-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

My one cat, Mimi, has recently turned into a big snot-ball about only drinking fresh water from the sink. She follows me around and then as soon as I use the bathroom sink she comes over and sticks her butt in my face to get me to move so she can drink.

Well apparently Mimi has grown tired of having her getting to drink from the sink being contingent on me USING the sink because I have just discovered that Mimi has taught herself how to turn the faucet herself. How resourceful!

Quit your whining, Hedy!

2007-03-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

You happy now?

My true destiny is calling!

2007-03-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

Lesley: eww I just found a hair growing out of my neck. I need to tweeze that mofo

Elizabeth: like at the edge of your hairline, or in a totally non-populated area?

Lesley: totally non-populated, under my jaw bone

Elizabeth: WHAT?!?!?! That is your CHIN not your NECK

Lesley: no it's not! it's on my neck!

Elizabeth: sorry. hairy chin

Lesley: by my lymph node

Elizabeth: especially strange!

Lesley: sign of cancer?

Elizabeth: I've heard that is a mark of greatness

Lesley: oh, I like that one better

Elizabeth: it's true, it's like being born with a caul

Lesley: ha ha...maybe they'll ask me to stay [in Peru] and be a shaman because of my neck hair

Elizabeth: TOTALLY!

Lesley: like "The Gods Must be Crazy" only instead of a Coke bottle it’s a neck hair

Elizabeth: DON'T PLUCK IT!

Elizabeth: it might be like removing the birthmark that says you're the new messiah

Lesley: that'd be missing out on some great opportunities...

Elizabeth: hells yeah! you don't want to close any doors, you know?

Random things to get me through the workday

2007-03-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you not familiar with Found Magazine, I highly recommend you check out their website. It is a compilation of random notes, pictures, signs, etc. that people find on the street or in their apartment, or where ever. You get the picture. These are some of my favorites:

Occasionally I find things that I've considered submitting, but I haven't yet found anything quite like breakup notes written on cat stationery or pictures dated back to the late 19th century. Maybe I should start leaving random notes for people to find...

Never fall asleep in public

2007-03-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

There’s a woman that takes the same bus home from work as I do and everyday she consistently passes out cold, presumably from exhaustion. I can’t help but smile every time I see her head bob and sway limply to the movements of the bus. I try to stay awake at all costs when I’m on the bus. I generally don’t like falling asleep in public for fear of being robbed but also, more importantly, because public sleepers are subject to laughter and ridicule. A few years ago, before I had a car and when I was working in retail, I was always dead tired every time I had to close the shop and I had to take a hellish 35-minute bus ride through downtown to get home. There was one night in particular when I remember being so extremely exhausted I could hardly move. I was working full-time, taking 17 credits, and had just pulled an all-nighter to complete a midterm paper. As soon as my shift at the shop ended I just wanted to collapse. I got on the bus and passed out. I vaguely recall someone getting on the bus around MCTC and sitting down next to me, but I closed my eyes and fell back asleep. About 20 minutes passed before I came to and realized that I had been sleeping on the shoulder of the guy who sat down next to me. To make matters even more uncomfortable, he had apparently fallen asleep himself and was all snuggled up with me. I jerked up from his shoulder, rang the bell, shared an awkward glance with the stranger, and bolted off the bus. I vowed to never fall asleep in public again.

Holy hangover, Batman!

2007-03-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

Last night was hella fun

This morning was not.

Allow myself to introduce....myself.

2007-03-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

This is Lesley:

This is the view from the toilet in the house Lesley grew up in:

There is a gorilla head and a thumb hiding in there. Can you find them? Everytime I would look at that patch of wallpaper, I would always look for those spots.

When we moved into that house EVERY SQUARE INCH of the house was pink. The rooms were painted pink, the ceilings were painted pink, the carpeting was pink, even the garage was pink. The only areas in the house that were not pink was my leopard print bathroom wallpaper (see above picture), the powder room, and the basement-- both of which were turquoise. It was like the 80s exploded in my house. My parents did all they could to minimize the pink, but they only had so much money so we had to settle for some compromises. For instance, we painted over my pink walls with green paint but we had to keep the pink carpeting….so instead of living in a Pepto Bismol bottle of a bedroom, I got to live in a watermelon.

This is my brother and his wife:

I have a moderately strained relationship with them. He’s a hot shot lawyer and is also quite a bit older than me which meant that he went away to college and moved out when I was in fourth grade. Aside from reminiscing about growing up, the only things we can really talk about are whiskey, jazz music, and red wine.

This is my other brother:

Sorry, ladies, he’s married too.

This brother, on the other hand, is one of my best friends. He is a fire fighter paramedic and one of the weirdest people I know (see above picture). We talk on the phone nearly every day….most of the time our conversations involve talking about poop or singing show tunes.

My brothers raised me well. I learned that the most effective way to settle a disagreement is with a swift punch to the kidneys and they made sure I learned how to drink beer, play pool, and play poker like a pro.

For those of you trying to win a girl's heart...

2007-03-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

...don't spend the night complaining about how you're broke and then make the girl pay for dinner and then insist on going cd shopping afterwards.

I want to shove Jeremy’s egg beater butt plug into their eye socket

2007-03-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

You may recall back to my fiasco involving a flat tire and a humidifier from hell. Apparently that was fiasco part I and today I’ve progressed to fiasco part II. I sent back the defective humidifier and was waiting for a new one to be sent back to me. It arrived while I was in Chicago and a friendly neighbor signed for it. When he gave it to me today, I discovered that they only sent me half of the humidifier! What the hell am I going to do with the humidifier stand without the humidifier?! I just got back from a walk/run around the lakes to vent and am now prepared to bring out my big guns to get this shit dealt with. Konichiwa bitches, it’s been over a month since I placed my order- give me a muthafuckin’ refund!

yep....still a lameass

2007-03-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm in Chicago now for the week on my action-packed spring break. Actually, there really is no action. I'm at my parents' house in the suburbs laying around doing nothing. In fact, I'm doing so much nothing that I actually considered going to the dentist in place of my mom, just to give me something to do. I'm not complaining, though. It's nice to have a week to lay around and decompress. I am sad I won't be at the Chatterbox tomorrow, though. Maybe I'll go with my brother to the Island Tap tomorrow night and pretend I'm playing musical bingo. I'll draw a picture of someone pooping and it will be just the same. The Island is one of the greatest claims of my town. It is pretty much a storage shed in the back parking lot of one of the buildings on our main street that some guy turned into a bar. Picture Al's diner in Dinkytown with beer. Few people in my stuck-up suburban hell of a town know about it because it is so small and crappy looking on the outside. I hope it stays that way.

Sorry I'm such a lameass

2007-03-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

I’m still alive, I know I had you all worried. My life kind of exploded and, well, things happen. Ok, yeah, I’ve also just been really lazy. You caught me! Whatever. Right now I’m trying desperately to find enough candles/incense to cover up the smell that’s coming into my apartment from the hallway. It smells like burnt grossness and plastic so my best guess is that some idiot in my building forgot to unwrap their frozen pizza before they stuck it in the oven.

At work I was going through the spam emails we get and one in particular caught my eye. It was from a man (?) named Tadpole C. Uzbekistan. I realize that it was an alias that was most likely generated by putting a string of random words together, but it reminded me of the game middle schoolers play to figure out their porn star name. I always played using the name of your first pet combined with the street you grew up on. Mine is Mo Burdick, which sounds like the name of a porn star who gets filmed in some old hairy guy’s living room.

When I was 5 years old I hated my name and planned on legally changing it when I was old enough. I wanted to change it to Elizabeth Maries because Elizabeth and Mary were my two favorite names. I don’t remember why I liked the names Elizabeth and Mary; I was just that cool growing up. Needless to say, I decided that was a stupid idea but I still use the name as an alias in emergency situations. So if you’re ever hitting on a chick and she tells you her name is Elizabeth Maries, there’s a good chance that you won’t be getting into her pants because the number she gave you is bogus. Sorry, you just weren’t my type.

This came up when I did a Google search for "wrong number". Genius.

Poopiest mood ever

2007-02-28T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm in a bad mood. I bailed on the Chatterbox tonight and lately wednesday nights have been the only thing getting me through the work week. I have a job that is becoming more and more hellish with each passing day and am taking 3 classes that, frankly, I don't want to deal with anymore. I have a term paper due friday and I had every intention to put it off until thursday night and wing it like I usually do. I was a good little girl and wrote the introduction to compensate for going out tonight. I quickly grabbed my purse and my keys and ran out the door. It wasn't until I walked into the Box that I realized why my purse seemed so light. I had left my wallet and phone in my backpack. I figured since the fates already had it in for me I shouldn't risk being out driving after drinking a beer or two without an ID. I braved the elements and drove home to run up and get my wallet. When I almost spun out trying to turn into my narrow-as-shit driveway I decided that it would probably be best for me just to stay in and work on the damn paper. Alright snow, you ruined my night. You fucking win.

No answer is the "wrong" answer

2007-02-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

One of my co-workers sent these to me. I would give all of these students an A for their creativity, because that's much more important than the bullshit problems..Enjoy~

Procrastination

2007-02-27T22:31:00.000-08:00

I don't want to work on my term paper so I think I'm just going to play with my camera some more and then go to bed...

Someone killed Frosty!!!

2007-02-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

I saw this near my building as I was walking home today. It made my day. Whoever made this is, quite possibly, my new best friend.

I hope you all found it as hilarious as I did!

I swear I'm not stalking you

2007-02-25T11:40:00.000-08:00

I can look creepy too, eh?

So after my first full week of having a blog I decided I’d grace all of you with my report thus far. The most amazing invention ever is the site meter feature. I have had so much fun seeing exactly where everyone who visits my blog is from. For those of you who aren’t familiar with site meter, I highly recommend the free download. It tracks every hit that you get on your blog and provides you with that computer’s exact location, IP address, and time of the hit. For example, I saw that someone at 3M took a tour of my blog earlier this week. Thanks Mr. 3M man, I hope you enjoyed your stay! Sometimes I feel like a stalker tracking exactly who is visiting my blog and where they linked to it from, etc. but hey, call it a sociological experiment. I promise I won’t stalk any of you. On the other hand, this tool could save me from being stalked myself. I can picture the movie on Lifetime now: “Lesley was having fun in cyberspace when she discovered that someone else was having ‘fun’ as well. If it wasn’t for her site meter, she would have been the next rape/murder/kidnap/whatever is the current Lifetime movie trend victim” watch In the Shadow of the Blog Stalker Tuesday at 8/7c… Ok, now I’m being an idiot.

When I was working as a customer service representative for a small internet company I had a man stationed on a barge off the coast of New Guinea memorize my work schedule just so he could hear my voice. He called me “Lovely Lesley”. It was freakin’ creepy.

Yay for haircuts!

2007-02-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

For the last 3 months I had been trimming my bangs with the Fiskars scissors I keep in my kitchen drawer so I was long overdue for a haircut. This is fresh from the salon so it’s a little “severe”, but I think that once I get a chance to play around it will be really cute.

The narcoleptic drove a Bentley

2007-02-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

The summer I spent living in London I immediately clicked with a guy staying in the flat next to me. Maybe it was because he had more girl in him that I had in me, but we hit it off right away.

One night we were at a gay club and while he was getting hit on by some 19 year old without a shirt, I got chatted up by a former nightclub promoter (and by “former” I mean out of the ‘70s). He was quite possibly one of the least attractive men I had ever met but I had been drinking and his stories cracked me up; he had been given a diamond belt-buckle by Elton John, he was friends with Boy George, etc etc etc. I seriously doubted whether any of the stories were true, but they were entertaining none the less. My friend returned and the club promoter immediately fell for him and offered to “show us around” by getting us into all of the “exclusive” clubs. Whatever. My friend took his card excited by the prospect of getting free admission to clubs full of sexy men. I was just curious to see if this guy was full of shit.

A few weeks later, we arranged to meet up with the “promoter”. We met him at a small lounge in SoHo and I saw that he had brought me a date, his “bodyguard”. No wait, the bodyguard was the least attractive person I had ever met. He had beady eyes and lizard teeth. Lucky me. See for yourself:

That night was probably one of the most bizarre nights I have had my entire life. I found out from the “bodyguard” that our promoter friend had narcolepsy. I couldn’t believe that any of this was real but, sure enough, I saw the promoter dancing out on the dance floor and then start to slow down, hunch over, and then just rock back and forth before he got jostled awake by someone dancing next to him. This happened off and on throughout the night, but I couldn’t stop asking myself, was he really a former club promoter and did he really need this “bodyguard”?

After going to a few clubs we went to a late night café to get a bite to eat before calling it a night. The “bodyguard” sat next to me and tried to put his tentacle-arms around my shoulders while the promoter fell asleep and collapsed onto the table next to us. I was speechless. They insisted on driving us home so we decided to have them drop us off a few blocks from where we were living. We were escorted to the promoter’s BENTLEY (you mean, this guy might be for real?!?). The whole way home I was shocked. How does this freak drive a BENTLEY?? Holy shit, he’s driving a Bentley and he has narcolepsy!

I was given a pack of condoms at one of the clubs we went to that night. I kept it as a souvenir to remember the truly unforgettable evening. Would I go out with anyone like that ever again? Hell no! But I am glad that my friend forced us to do it that night. I think the picture on the pack of condoms is genius:

It bears somewhat of a striking resemblance to the picture that Jeremy drew at the Box on Wednesday, does it not?

And now for something completely different...

2007-02-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

...of course the night would not be complete without a lamp picture.

(hedy took some pretty rockin' pictures too and lightened a few of mine, thanks hedy!)

Little known facts about me

2007-02-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

I am not a very lucky person. Nor do I have much coordination or natural grace. Some examples to illustrate this:

I got lost in a hotel and wound up getting locked on its roof (had to climb down the fire escape and go back into the lobby to ask for directions)

I have been pooped on by birds more times than I can count. (The prize winning story was when a pigeon shit on my head right as I was getting on a bus. No one had a newspaper/napkin/Kleenex so I had to ride a half hour with poop on my head)

I have broken every toe on my right foot (in separate, equally ridiculous incidents)

The list goes on indefinitely.

Today I forgot to get my morning coffee and around 11 o'clock was nearly incapacitated. I struggled through my first two classes but I knew I had to stop and get a coffee before my exam at 11:15 otherwise there would be no way I could stay awake or concentrate. I got a nice, beautiful, deliciously smooth cup of coffee on my way to the exam and put it down next to me to let it cool. About 20 minutes into the exam I decided my coffee would be the perfect temperature so I went to give myself a nice little caffeine boost but, me being the clumsy cow that I am, I knocked it over. It was like a river of coffee running down the auditorium floor forming a nice little pool right at the professor's feet. He looked down at the coffee lake, made eye contact with me trying to discreetly hide the cup so as not to incriminate myself and then made an announcement to the class saying "let's see how long it takes for THIS to evaporate".

I told my story to the coffee shop people and they laughed at me. But then they gave me a free replacement coffee with the lid taped down to the cup.

It smelled like something pooped and then died in my mouth

2007-02-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

I must preface this post by saying that I am very conscientious about oral hygiene. I try to brush AND use mouthwash twice a day. Yes, I don’t floss as much as I should but whatever. With that being said, I’m very aware of my breath when I’m at work. I usually keep a supply of mints in my desk but today I was plum out. As luck would have it today was also one of those bad breath days that you have nightmares about. I don’t know if it was left over from what I ate last night or what but it was bad. There’s usually food or something laying around the office that you can “freshen up” with but today there was just coffee…great. About 15 minutes before I was about to duck out and go to lunch someone came into the office and broke down in tears. It’s really awkward trying to empathize with someone and make them feel better when you feel like you’re dropping a stink bomb every time you open your mouth. I'm thinking of sending her an email saying "apology re: halitosis, will have mints next time"

Happy early spring!

2007-02-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

Though I'm sure the fates will think of something to keep us on our toes...

I felt like a lumberjack

2007-02-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

One of the better things about being single is the fact that you can go weeks without shaving your legs. What many men may not know is that, generally speaking, women don’t go to great lengths to rid themselves of every square inch of body hair just for the hell of it. It’s not fun. I’ve fallen down in the shower practically wrapping my leg around my neck trying to get those stragglers on the back of my thighs. I’ve been enjoying my stubble but I decided to shave my legs tonight to give me one more reason to avoid getting back to my homework. I felt like a lumberjack razing down a forest, but at least I don’t look like this anymore:

I like lamps

2007-02-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

I have this habit of taking pictures of light fixtures when I've been drinking. Call it a quirk. Needless to say, I'm starting to accumulate quite a collection.

What can I buy with the dollar I found in my pocket?

2007-02-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

Funds are a little tight right now since I just found out that they can't patch up the tire, I need to have the tire replaced. I just found a dollar in my pocket and am looking to spend it on something tasty at the corner drug store.

I suppose we need to figure in tax, so after counting the change in my wallet I see that I have a whole $1.62 to spend.

Suggestions?

Righty tighty, lefty fuck you

2007-02-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

So after I behaved like a 7th grader on Wednesday hiding in the back room of the Chatterbox from someone I didn't care to exchange an awkward "hello" with, karma bit me on the ass and I discovered that I had a flat tire (however, Hedy and I did notice said person walking right past my car as we were leaving...was it karma or a vengeful tire slashing?). It was 1am and freezing outside so there was no way in hell that I was going to stop on the highway and fix it. I lived 5 miles away; I decided to suck it up, risk destroying the tire and drive home where I could fix it in the comfort of my garage.

Those of you who have talked to me in the last week have heard me talking incessantly about the fancy humidifier that I had ordered online (shut up, it was cool). Well the humidifer came, but I had missed all three delivery attempts so now it was waiting for me in a warehouse in Bumblefuck, MN and I had to pick it up before it got sent back to California. Yesterday, I bribed Hedy with two postage stamps and a meal to drive me to the warehouse after she got done with class and then come back and help me change my tire.

Changing the tire would have been easy (after all, Hedy is the tire changing champion of the Midwest) but things don't work like that in my world. After discovering that my jack was missing, Hedy and I proceeded to unload her trunk that was filled with 3 years or so of stuff that she was about to give to the second-hand shop. We got her jack, put the donut on, lowered the car and discovered that the donut was flat too. After we got back from the gas station and were putting the freshly-filled donut on we realized that, between the two of us, we had collectively eaten no more than the amout of a light lunch yet consumed enough coffee to make a trucker go into caffeine-induced seizures. It was time to get our A-game on so we could eat.

We got the donut on. What should have been done in 20 minutes took an hour and a half. Whatever, it was done and time to celebrate with whiskey and a Pizza Luce pizza.

The kicker? The humidifier is defective.

Nothing but cuteness

2007-02-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm done now.

No Guarantees

2007-02-15T15:15:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I make no guarantees as to how often I will post or how long this will last. Furthermore, I will not be held liable for any emotional or physical distress suffered as a result of reading my painfully boring and un-noteworthy posts.

Thank you.