Poopiest mood ever

I'm in a bad mood. I bailed on the Chatterbox tonight and lately wednesday nights have been the only thing getting me through the work week. I have a job that is becoming more and more hellish with each passing day and am taking 3 classes that, frankly, I don't want to deal with anymore. I have a term paper due friday and I had every intention to put it off until thursday night and wing it like I usually do. I was a good little girl and wrote the introduction to compensate for going out tonight. I quickly grabbed my purse and my keys and ran out the door. It wasn't until I walked into the Box that I realized why my purse seemed so light. I had left my wallet and phone in my backpack. I figured since the fates already had it in for me I shouldn't risk being out driving after drinking a beer or two without an ID. I braved the elements and drove home to run up and get my wallet. When I almost spun out trying to turn into my narrow-as-shit driveway I decided that it would probably be best for me just to stay in and work on the damn paper. Alright snow, you ruined my night. You fucking win.

No answer is the "wrong" answer

One of my co-workers sent these to me. I would give all of these students an A for their creativity, because that's much more important than the bullshit problems..Enjoy~

Procrastination

I don't want to work on my term paper so I think I'm just going to play with my camera some more and then go to bed...

Someone killed Frosty!!!

I saw this near my building as I was walking home today. It made my day. Whoever made this is, quite possibly, my new best friend.




I hope you all found it as hilarious as I did!

I swear I'm not stalking you

I can look creepy too, eh?

So after my first full week of having a blog I decided I’d grace all of you with my report thus far. The most amazing invention ever is the site meter feature. I have had so much fun seeing exactly where everyone who visits my blog is from. For those of you who aren’t familiar with site meter, I highly recommend the free download. It tracks every hit that you get on your blog and provides you with that computer’s exact location, IP address, and time of the hit. For example, I saw that someone at 3M took a tour of my blog earlier this week. Thanks Mr. 3M man, I hope you enjoyed your stay! Sometimes I feel like a stalker tracking exactly who is visiting my blog and where they linked to it from, etc. but hey, call it a sociological experiment. I promise I won’t stalk any of you. On the other hand, this tool could save me from being stalked myself. I can picture the movie on Lifetime now: “Lesley was having fun in cyberspace when she discovered that someone else was having ‘fun’ as well. If it wasn’t for her site meter, she would have been the next rape/murder/kidnap/whatever is the current Lifetime movie trend victim” watch In the Shadow of the Blog Stalker Tuesday at 8/7c… Ok, now I’m being an idiot.

When I was working as a customer service representative for a small internet company I had a man stationed on a barge off the coast of New Guinea memorize my work schedule just so he could hear my voice. He called me “Lovely Lesley”. It was freakin’ creepy.

Yay for haircuts!

For the last 3 months I had been trimming my bangs with the Fiskars scissors I keep in my kitchen drawer so I was long overdue for a haircut. This is fresh from the salon so it’s a little “severe”, but I think that once I get a chance to play around it will be really cute.

The narcoleptic drove a Bentley

The summer I spent living in London I immediately clicked with a guy staying in the flat next to me. Maybe it was because he had more girl in him that I had in me, but we hit it off right away.

One night we were at a gay club and while he was getting hit on by some 19 year old without a shirt, I got chatted up by a former nightclub promoter (and by “former” I mean out of the ‘70s). He was quite possibly one of the least attractive men I had ever met but I had been drinking and his stories cracked me up; he had been given a diamond belt-buckle by Elton John, he was friends with Boy George, etc etc etc. I seriously doubted whether any of the stories were true, but they were entertaining none the less. My friend returned and the club promoter immediately fell for him and offered to “show us around” by getting us into all of the “exclusive” clubs. Whatever. My friend took his card excited by the prospect of getting free admission to clubs full of sexy men. I was just curious to see if this guy was full of shit.

A few weeks later, we arranged to meet up with the “promoter”. We met him at a small lounge in SoHo and I saw that he had brought me a date, his “bodyguard”. No wait, the bodyguard was the least attractive person I had ever met. He had beady eyes and lizard teeth. Lucky me. See for yourself:

That night was probably one of the most bizarre nights I have had my entire life. I found out from the “bodyguard” that our promoter friend had narcolepsy. I couldn’t believe that any of this was real but, sure enough, I saw the promoter dancing out on the dance floor and then start to slow down, hunch over, and then just rock back and forth before he got jostled awake by someone dancing next to him. This happened off and on throughout the night, but I couldn’t stop asking myself, was he really a former club promoter and did he really need this “bodyguard”?

After going to a few clubs we went to a late night café to get a bite to eat before calling it a night. The “bodyguard” sat next to me and tried to put his tentacle-arms around my shoulders while the promoter fell asleep and collapsed onto the table next to us. I was speechless. They insisted on driving us home so we decided to have them drop us off a few blocks from where we were living. We were escorted to the promoter’s BENTLEY (you mean, this guy might be for real?!?). The whole way home I was shocked. How does this freak drive a BENTLEY?? Holy shit, he’s driving a Bentley and he has narcolepsy!

I was given a pack of condoms at one of the clubs we went to that night. I kept it as a souvenir to remember the truly unforgettable evening. Would I go out with anyone like that ever again? Hell no! But I am glad that my friend forced us to do it that night. I think the picture on the pack of condoms is genius:

It bears somewhat of a striking resemblance to the picture that Jeremy drew at the Box on Wednesday, does it not?

And now for something completely different...

...of course the night would not be complete without a lamp picture.

(hedy took some pretty rockin' pictures too and lightened a few of mine, thanks hedy!)

Little known facts about me

I am not a very lucky person. Nor do I have much coordination or natural grace. Some examples to illustrate this:

I got lost in a hotel and wound up getting locked on its roof (had to climb down the fire escape and go back into the lobby to ask for directions)

I have been pooped on by birds more times than I can count. (The prize winning story was when a pigeon shit on my head right as I was getting on a bus. No one had a newspaper/napkin/Kleenex so I had to ride a half hour with poop on my head)

I have broken every toe on my right foot (in separate, equally ridiculous incidents)

The list goes on indefinitely.

Today I forgot to get my morning coffee and around 11 o'clock was nearly incapacitated. I struggled through my first two classes but I knew I had to stop and get a coffee before my exam at 11:15 otherwise there would be no way I could stay awake or concentrate. I got a nice, beautiful, deliciously smooth cup of coffee on my way to the exam and put it down next to me to let it cool. About 20 minutes into the exam I decided my coffee would be the perfect temperature so I went to give myself a nice little caffeine boost but, me being the clumsy cow that I am, I knocked it over. It was like a river of coffee running down the auditorium floor forming a nice little pool right at the professor's feet. He looked down at the coffee lake, made eye contact with me trying to discreetly hide the cup so as not to incriminate myself and then made an announcement to the class saying "let's see how long it takes for THIS to evaporate".

I told my story to the coffee shop people and they laughed at me. But then they gave me a free replacement coffee with the lid taped down to the cup.

It smelled like something pooped and then died in my mouth

I must preface this post by saying that I am very conscientious about oral hygiene. I try to brush AND use mouthwash twice a day. Yes, I don’t floss as much as I should but whatever. With that being said, I’m very aware of my breath when I’m at work. I usually keep a supply of mints in my desk but today I was plum out. As luck would have it today was also one of those bad breath days that you have nightmares about. I don’t know if it was left over from what I ate last night or what but it was bad. There’s usually food or something laying around the office that you can “freshen up” with but today there was just coffee…great. About 15 minutes before I was about to duck out and go to lunch someone came into the office and broke down in tears. It’s really awkward trying to empathize with someone and make them feel better when you feel like you’re dropping a stink bomb every time you open your mouth. I'm thinking of sending her an email saying "apology re: halitosis, will have mints next time"

Happy early spring!

Though I'm sure the fates will think of something to keep us on our toes...

I felt like a lumberjack

One of the better things about being single is the fact that you can go weeks without shaving your legs. What many men may not know is that, generally speaking, women don’t go to great lengths to rid themselves of every square inch of body hair just for the hell of it. It’s not fun. I’ve fallen down in the shower practically wrapping my leg around my neck trying to get those stragglers on the back of my thighs. I’ve been enjoying my stubble but I decided to shave my legs tonight to give me one more reason to avoid getting back to my homework. I felt like a lumberjack razing down a forest, but at least I don’t look like this anymore:

I like lamps

I have this habit of taking pictures of light fixtures when I've been drinking. Call it a quirk. Needless to say, I'm starting to accumulate quite a collection.

What can I buy with the dollar I found in my pocket?

Funds are a little tight right now since I just found out that they can't patch up the tire, I need to have the tire replaced. I just found a dollar in my pocket and am looking to spend it on something tasty at the corner drug store.

I suppose we need to figure in tax, so after counting the change in my wallet I see that I have a whole $1.62 to spend.

Suggestions?

Righty tighty, lefty fuck you

So after I behaved like a 7th grader on Wednesday hiding in the back room of the Chatterbox from someone I didn't care to exchange an awkward "hello" with, karma bit me on the ass and I discovered that I had a flat tire (however, Hedy and I did notice said person walking right past my car as we were leaving...was it karma or a vengeful tire slashing?). It was 1am and freezing outside so there was no way in hell that I was going to stop on the highway and fix it. I lived 5 miles away; I decided to suck it up, risk destroying the tire and drive home where I could fix it in the comfort of my garage.

Those of you who have talked to me in the last week have heard me talking incessantly about the fancy humidifier that I had ordered online (shut up, it was cool). Well the humidifer came, but I had missed all three delivery attempts so now it was waiting for me in a warehouse in Bumblefuck, MN and I had to pick it up before it got sent back to California. Yesterday, I bribed Hedy with two postage stamps and a meal to drive me to the warehouse after she got done with class and then come back and help me change my tire.

Changing the tire would have been easy (after all, Hedy is the tire changing champion of the Midwest) but things don't work like that in my world. After discovering that my jack was missing, Hedy and I proceeded to unload her trunk that was filled with 3 years or so of stuff that she was about to give to the second-hand shop. We got her jack, put the donut on, lowered the car and discovered that the donut was flat too. After we got back from the gas station and were putting the freshly-filled donut on we realized that, between the two of us, we had collectively eaten no more than the amout of a light lunch yet consumed enough coffee to make a trucker go into caffeine-induced seizures. It was time to get our A-game on so we could eat.

We got the donut on. What should have been done in 20 minutes took an hour and a half. Whatever, it was done and time to celebrate with whiskey and a Pizza Luce pizza.

The kicker? The humidifier is defective.

Nothing but cuteness

Ok, I'm done now.

No Guarantees

Disclaimer: I make no guarantees as to how often I will post or how long this will last. Furthermore, I will not be held liable for any emotional or physical distress suffered as a result of reading my painfully boring and un-noteworthy posts.


Thank you.