Thursday, April 26, 2007

Disease babies

I got my Peru vaccines today. Four of 'em. Yellow Fever, Dysentery, Hepatitis A, and a Tetanus booster. I also have to take 17 malaria pills that cost $6 a pop. I feel like Mr. Burns in that one episode of the Simpsons where he has every disease imaginable and that is why he never gets sick. I now have little baby diseases swimming around in me keeping my immune system in a perfect state of fragile equilibrium.

For those of you who aren't familiar with my upcoming Peru trip, on May 21 I'm going to Peru to study herbal medicine and spiritual healing in the Amazon Jungle with a shaman. The doctor asked me in the consultation where I was going to be staying---"in a hotel, hostel, or with a family?" I responded, " the jungle". He pondered my response for a moment and then placed a check in the box marked "hostel" since, as he put it, hostels can be pretty dirty.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It ended with a lift

I’d like you all to meet Audrey.

Audrey is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We have been friends since middle school and our relationship has evolved to that level that’s really annoying to outsiders because we finish eachother’s sentences, read eachother’s minds, and relay information through completely fragmented thoughts. This is exemplified by our conversation last night:

Me: Who knows what's going to come out of [my] Peru trip

Audrey: You and Sean Connery are going to live in the rain forest and make awesome music that kids will skate to for ice shows

Me: HA! Can it be Pierce Brosnan instead?

Audrey: Oooo yeah, better

Me: I thought so

Audrey: Oh hell how about the whole cast of the departed

Me: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Audrey: yeah, pretty much

Me: I'm going to a fancy ball on Saturday as the date of a gay man

Audrey: oh shut up, you're so lucky

That being said, we are complete opposites (see below picture). If we were married, she would most definitely be the wife and I would most definitely be the husband. One could say, we complete each other. (That was overly sappy, feel free to gag)

Unfortunately, Audrey and I only get to see each other once or twice a year. When we do get together, we generally spend half the time catching up or reminiscing and the other half of the time laughing hysterically and wetting our pants. There was the time I completely doused Audrey’s face with Vaseline, lotion, and baby powder and then put enough makeup on her to make her look like a diseased Elizabethan whore for our Shakespeare class project in 8th grade….

There was the time that we were driving with her former boyfriend after going shopping and his car started on fire because his brother tried installing rope lights on the dashboard….

And then there was the time that we randomly made a skit inspired by my bridesmaid dress for my brother’s wedding where we were two gay Germans named Yamas and Yim who were holding beer steins and wearing lederhosen. In addition to creating the character profiles, we ended up choreographing and performing a lederhosen-inspired clog dance that ended with a lift. I wish I could say that we did that when we were fourteen, but I believe it was only two or three years ago.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


So I just got sent home from work because of a bomb threat. After we got evacuated from the building, we were standing outside waiting to hear whether we'd be able to return to work or just go home. About 20 minutes later, more troops showed up: about 5 more squad cars, a few police officers on horseback, the channel 5 news team, a few helicopters, and a gigantic Girls Gone Wild tour bus. The GGW bus pulled up right next to where I was standing, opened its giant bus door (that happened to be painted to resemble some girl's silicone-enhanced cleavage) and a bunch of nasty meat-heat guys jumped out and started running around handing out flyers for a GGW super breast-a-thon that was going on this weekend.

Not only do I regret not having my camera to capture the Girls Gone Wild bus parked in front of a giant police barricade, but also to capture the priceless facial expression of a poor college freshman talking to her parents on the phone worried about the bomb scare while confusedly holding a flyer picturing a drunk co-ed exposing herself.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Elvis Costello is stalking me!!!

Friday: Had one line of an Elvis Costello song stuck in my head all day

Saturday: Said song still in my head. Turned on radio when driving my friend home, heard said song on radio.

Sunday: Turned on radio when driving to meditation thing. NEW Elvis Costello song playing on radio. New song mocking me while I desperately attempt to tune it out and meditate.

Monday: Sitting in first class of the day and hear the people next to me talk about Elvis Costello.

No joke.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Trying not to let the peeps down

Ok, so I've been lame again and haven't posted anything for a while. I have a lot of stuff worth posting but it's all up in the air right now. I promise I shall return with many updates, pictures, and witty anecdotes galore. Just gimme a little time for my hell week to pass.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

He told me it was because he was older than me

I have horrible vision. Over Christmas, I was riding in the car with my family and we decided to put my vision to the test. I would take off my glasses and see how close we had to be to an approaching billboard in order for me to be able to just barely read what it was advertising. I failed the test. No matter how close the BILLBOARDS got, I was never able to read them.

I don’t know what the technical definition of being “legally blind” is, but I’m pretty darn close.

My mom didn’t believe that I needed glasses. I always wanted to wear them because I thought they were cool so when I told my mom that I actually needed them she accused me of crying wolf.
My mom is a firm believer in “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” so since I could still function with my vision at the time, there was no need for me to wear glasses. I was in third grade and my brother and I were playing a game that involved reading the microwave clock. I was confused why he could read the clock from all the way across the room and I had to be close to the clock to read it. He told me it was because he was older than me; I told him he was full of crap.

My dad snuck me to the eye doctor behind my mom’s back.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

I'm so happy I peed a little!

I swore I wouldn’t post at work but I’m too excited to just go back to sitting with my thumb up my butt at the office pushing papers around.

Today started off really crappy. I was supposed to be at the office at 8:00 to cover the front desk and I woke up at 7:57. This was the second time in a row that I’ve woken up when I should technically be at the office and I felt pretty idiotic having to call in late again. In my absolute mad scramble to get out of my apartment to catch the 8:15 bus (3 blocks away) I got dressed without wearing my glasses which resulted in me putting my undies on inside out and wearing clothes that just ended up looking a bit “off”. I came in looking quite pathetic with major bed-head and raindrops all over my glasses because I forgot my umbrella.

Cut to my lunch break when I walked into a restaurant only to discover that the person taking my order is my long lost friend REX! Rex was one of my closest friends from the Hell-on-Earth bead shop that I worked at a few years ago and we lost contact when he moved away to reorganize his life a little bit. Well he moved back and I was so excited to see him that I got a little misty eyed.

The end.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Just think of me as your Jockey shorts

Do you ever find yourself with so much on your mind that you realize you've been staring at the wall in your shower spacing out for 20 minutes? I've been taking a lot of those showers lately.

What's been troubling me most lately is the fact that come May I'll be unemployed because the funding for my job is based on the fact that I am a student. At this point, I have no prospects for employment and I've estimated that I will have about one month's worth of money to live off of come May....minus the money that I'll be spending on my Peru trip (that will be a future post for those of you who aren't already familiar). So yeah, maybe 20-ish days to live off of....? I have one potential offer, but it is contingent on someone at the company's husband getting a job out of state so I'm not banking on it, though it would make things soooo easy for me. A girl can dream, can't she?

I was talking about this with my dad and his response to me was the following: "Les, just think of me as your Jockey shorts. I'll try to support you as best as I can..." While his words of wisdom probably wouldn't be heard coming out of the mouth of the Dalai Lama, I thought it was hysterical.

So remember kids, whenever you're feeling a little lost, just turn to your Jockey shorts for support.