Sunday, December 30, 2007

2007 wrap up

This was one hell of a week. On Wednesday, I returned home from Christmas in Chicago to my cats wigging out from the smoke alarm beeping and shorting out in my bedroom. I opened the bedroom door to find brown water leaking from the ceiling. What I had originally believed to be a minor leak from the upstairs unit ended up being a nightmare of a roof malfunction. At this moment every single item from my bedroom has been crammed into my living room, the ceiling in my bedroom has been completely removed, and the carpet has been torn up and is being blown dry by two giant fans and a dehumidifier. I have plastic tubes running from my bedroom into my bathroom sink to provide an outlet for all of the water that gets sucked out by the dehumidifier. This is day 3 of my living room slumber party and I have been told it will continue like this until they figure out who is liable for the roof damage. That determines what repair crew they bring in to fix everything up. They anticipate it will get repaired in the next week. Cross your fingers. I feel horrible for the occupant of the unit above mine. The water damage to his unit was so extensive they had to tear down his entire ceiling and all of his walls. His king sized bed is destroyed. What's even worse is that he is still on vacation. I wonder if I'll be able to hear him scream when he gets back....

In other partially unrelated news, I'm moving to St. Paul! Originally, I was planning to move to a new place in April but having to deal with this shit sparked my curiosity and I poked around the listings on Craigslist. I ended up finding my newly renovated dream apartment for the exact same rent as what I'm paying now complete with brick walls, hardwood floors, french doors, beveled glass, a garden, and garage parking. Granted, it's located on top of an adult bookstore and it's smaller than the place I'm currently in but I'm totally excited. Never would I have expected that I would be moving to St. Paul but February first can't come soon enough.

Meanwhile, I'm going to get back to cleaning the dry wall dust from my belongings to the melodious droning of the giant fans in my bedroom.

Happy New Years, everyone!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

'Tis the season

We all have that family member who is just a bit off and it always seems to be the most noticeable around the holidays.

I received a package today from my dad's sister Mick. Upon opening this Christmas/birthday gift (she did not include a card) I discovered that I was given a collection of objects from around her house. I curiously opened each newspaper-wrapped item and laid them all out on my table: a pink vinyl coin purse, a ball point pen, a calculator, and a sculpture made out of sea shells. I had a flashback to the scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where Aunt Bethany wraps up her cat and gives it away as a Christmas gift.


Given that I have yet to buy a single Christmas gift, I'm torn-- do I stoop so low as to regift or should I take the high road and wrap up one of my cats?

Anyone want a sea shell sculpture?

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Haunted House 2007

Forest creatures

This picture was taken in the dark right after a group went through.

Getting in character can be so hard sometimes.

The haunted house this year was a success. Over the course of the three nights, we had about 1000 people go through. I continually forgot to wear my contacts so I never got to really take in the reactions of the people but the blobs were all screaming (with some tears!) when they went through our room. We all confessed at the end that we weren't looking forward to our theme this year, thinking that a haunted forest wouldn't be scary enough, but we upheld our title from each past season of being the room that's "freakin' nuts".

...And it was created by a bunch of chicks.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

New license, new plates, and a sucker stuck to my ass

It's official. I am a Minnesota resident. I made a trip to the DMV today to take the driver's test and get my Minnesota plates. I was actually surprised at how much nicer the DMV at Chicago and Lake is than the DMV that I went to in Illinois. Well done, Minnesota. The DMV I went to in Illinois was truly hellish. It was in a seedy strip mall and it smelled like cheap plastic chairs and body odor.

Unlike in Illinois, the DMV attendant let me approve my picture before she submitted it although I wasn't picky. I've been told that my Illinois license photo makes me look like an asian man with a black eye. Anything is an improvement over that.
I accepted the first one she took.

I stopped at a mechanic on the way home from my adventure at the DMV to get a long-overdue oil change and get my new plates put on the car. The mechanic put his hand on my shoulder as he was giving me the keys back and politely told me, "Umm....you have a sucker stuck to your ass". We all had a good laugh and they comped me a few bucks off the bill. I love Minneapolis.

Looks like I'm sticking it out here for the long haul.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!


So it's set. The theme this year for our haunted house room is "Haunted Forest". It may not be as conventionally scary as our vampire room last year or the zombie room the year before, but I'm super excited. Each year we do it, we try to break the record set the previous year for the number of people we make cry going through our room. Now it's time for me to think of how I'm going to interpret the theme for my character....should I be a haunted tree? A witch? I was also thinking of being someone who was hanged...now THAT would be pretty scary, if I could pull it off without actually hanging myself.

Decisions, decisions.

If any of you are interested in participating this year, let me know and I'll give you the details.

It's really fun...and this is coming from someone who personally hates getting scared.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Plant euthanasia

About two years ago, my grandma dug out an offshoot of one of her many aloe plants when I went down to Florida to surprise her for her 90th birthday. She insisted I take it home with me because she found out that I didn't have any plants in my apartment. She wrapped it up in a piece of newspaper and told me to hide it in my suitcase. The aloe plant survived for four days wrapped up in a piece of newspaper and smashed in the bottom of my suitcase.

At it's peak, my aloe plant reproduced and made four more aloe seedlings in the pot but lately it has been looking pretty sad. The original aloe that my grandma gave me mysteriously became dislodged from it's root base and died. Then the babies began to slowly but surely lose steam. I didn't want to throw out the plant because it was a gift from my grandma so I kept trying to care for it hoping it would one day spring back.

Today, I came home from work to find that my cats had moved their scratching post over right next to the pot and ate each and every remaining seedling. At least the poor plant is out of its misery now.

I'm actually pretty surprised it lasted this long to begin with. The lighting in my apartment sucks.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Meow




It dawned on me that I haven't taken any pictures since my Peru trip. So how could I resist documenting this cute moment?

Friday, October 12, 2007

Brace yourself

I saw the most amazing thing driving home from work just now---- an albino squirrel!! At first I thought it was a weird looking cat, but then I realized that it was indeed a squirrel. It wasn't just light grey, it was freaking snow white!

My life feels just a little bit more complete now.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I has skillz

So after the rest of you bailed on Musical Bingo, Aaron and I went anyway. After sitting through an 8 hour conference on Social Security benefits I needed a drink. Bingo wasn't quite cutting it last night so we ended up playing Scrabble. I won albeit it was a VERY close game and we ended up pretty much combining our efforts at the tail end. My retribution was served, however, when it later came out that I have no drawing skills whatsoever. I love to paint, but I'm limited to abstract. I cannot recreate objects or figures for the life of me. I can draw a great triangle, a pretty good square, and an adequate hexagon but I seem to lose it when I advance to the octagon.
Stars? Forget it.

I found a great tool online: (thanks to akidsheart.com)


It's pretty hard to read, but if you look closely you can see rows of very amusing dotted-lined shapes that you trace. Once you feel comfortable enough, you can move on to drawing them free-form.
It's pretty intense.

I think I'm going to print it off and spend some time practicing with my box of crayons. If I do well enough on this worksheet, maybe I'll get to advance to rhombuses and trapezoids.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

"Sick Time" Addendum

I spoke to my client today. The hospital told her she had gas cramps.

Monday, October 8, 2007

So I guess she wanted her sick time

Today started off on the wrong foot. I arrived at work way early (7:00!) because I had a ton of stuff to do before my 8:30 meeting with a new client only to realize that I left my new security code on my desk and had no way of getting into my new office until someone else showed up.

Later in the day I was paged because another one of my clients was in the nurse's office complaining of chest pains. Now I know, chest pains are a potentially serious issue and I respect anyone who feels that they may be having a heart attack; however, this woman has an extensive history of attention-seeking behavior and, generally, one must take everything she says or does with a grain of salt. The nurse checked her vitals and everything was FINE. She went to take off her sweater and a boat-load of candy fell out of her pockets and spilled all over the floor. The nurse and I started to question the candy and her story started to change. Over the course of our ten minute consultation, my client's story changed in whatever way was necessary to deem her "officially sick" and allow her to leave early. I told her that she didn't have enough accrued sick time to use if she left early, but I couldn't prevent her from going home; she would just have to take unpaid time off if she was feeling sick.

My client left the nurse's office to call home for a ride because she wanted to leave. Ten minutes later I got paged because my client had called 911 instead of calling her guardian. An ambulance was rounding the corner to pick her up. My client gathered up her belongings and practically skipped out to greet the paramedics. Her parents are going to be thrilled when they get the bill for her $4000 ride home.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Guerrilla Reorganization Tactics

So I'm trying to use this new job of mine as a turning point in my living habits. Along with "Business Lesley" comes "Reorganization Lesley". I recently helped out at a yard sale and loaded up on a bunch of items that I've been meaning to purchase for my living quarters for quite some time. Among other things I got a small table, some additional seating, and some cute storage thingies to put random crap in. I am also in the beginning stages of building some funky shelves in my bedroom using antique ammunition boxes that were given to me. Unfortunately, my body is still adapting to the dazed feeling I have returning home from work after 8 hours of listening to my clients discuss their paranoias or their bodily functions, mediating conflicts, and attending meetings. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my clients, but my body has to kick into overdrive in to return to a feeling of coherance at the end of the day.

Needless to say, my apartment is a total war zone right now and I feel a bit like I'm in a catch 22. I find it a bit redundant to clean when I know I'm going to be moving the shit around right away, but I have no place to do my arranging because my apartment is too cluttered. Once my guerilla reorganization tactics make my plans come to fruition, however, my apartment is going to be freaking sweet.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Remind me not to wear heels to work

I had originally hoped to avoid going grocery shopping until I got my first paycheck but when I saw that I had nothing to eat for dinner tonight but yogurt I decided that I need to revise my plan.

In other news, I heard all about my client's foot fetish today...in a strictly non-harrassment way. He told me how much he enjoys smelling and licking women's shoes. My response: "Hmmm. While I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to share that with me....I don't think that information is necessary for our work together."

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Officially pooped

First week at the job: exhausting. This is the first job where I'm actually important and have a shit-ton of work to do constantly. My previous jobs have been administrative peon-type roles.

I had the company picnic today. They had a caricature artist there. My caricature makes me look like the spawn of Candace Bergen and Velma from Scooby Doo.

Wish me luck for week two. I'm crashing early tonight.

Monday, July 30, 2007

A phone conversation with Mom

Mom: Les, I need your help.

Me: What's up?

Mom: I think I discovered the source of my sleeping problems. I think I have so much trouble falling asleep because I'm afraid I'll have sad dreams.

Me: So how do you want me to help?

Mom: Well, I thought that if I could find a way to trick myself into thinking that I was already sad I would be able to fall asleep because I wouldn't be afraid of having sad dreams.

Me: So you want me to....?

Mom: Tell me the names of the most gut-wrenchingly sad movies you can think of and I'll watch one every night before I go to bed.

_____________________________


Folks, I am not making this up. I love my family.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

A brief lesson in irony

My last week of freedom before starting a new job was dampered by the fact that my two months of unemployment have left me with no money. I've been spending my time reading which is very relaxing and something that I haven't done in a while but I have to say I am looking forward to tomorrow....and a pay check.

Once I get that pay check, though, I'm fairly certain that my feelings will change.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Road trip!

As of noon tomorrow, I will be well on my way to the city of cheese, dreams, and the Kohler museum of plumbing fixtures. You guessed correct my friends, I'M GOING TO SHEBOYGAN!

I'm meeting up with my family for a mini family reunion and driving my super cool aunt and uncle back to the cities with me to spend a few days before they fly home to Seattle.

While it's not the ideal location for a road trip (I would have much rather driven to the Grand Canyon, Seattle, or Boulder) it will still be a great way to spend a few days before I start my job on the 30th.

Try not to be too jealous of me while I bask in the glory of the famous bathrooms of the Kohler Museum.


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Relief!

I am now officially EMPLOYED! I start in two weeks which is great because my car is being dumb again and I've pretty much entered the Danger Zone of my bank account. Along with the offer, however, came news of a bunch of projects that have recently come up and, since I will be the only one with my job title in that department, I will immediately have a crapload of work on my plate.

So now, how do I spend my last two weeks of freedom?

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Why do I suspect that's NOT powdered sugar on your nose?

Last night I was in a public restroom minding my own business in the stall when I hear a few soft snorting noises coming from the stall next to me. Immediately I was taken back to the summer I lived in London and smiled as I remembered my shock upon hearing those same noises for the first time in the bathrooms of the drug-infested dance clubs I went to occasionally. I suddenly heard some very loud, forceful snorts and then a nasty cough-sneeze and looked down in horror to see blood spattered all over the floor of my neighboring stall. Before I could make up my mind to yell out in disgust or peek under the stall wall to look for signs of an overdose I heard her toilet flush and saw her walk out of the stall as if nothing had happened. I looked at her in grotesque awe as she casually walked away from the blood-splattered floor and left the bathroom.

So remember kids: Be cool, stay in school. And don't do drugs. If you do, you'll wind up like some nasty woman sneezing blood all over the floor of a public restroom.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Zombified

So I now have two situations that will not get resolved until next week. One of which is utterly CONSUMING my mind. It has been ages since I have been consumed like this and it's starting to freak me out because it seems that it is completely out of my control. Every waking second is spent on plotting Scenario A or imagining Scenario B. I am also back to being a raging insomniac because I can't stop thinking about this stuff. I haven't fallen asleep before 3:30am since last Thursday. Even my dreams are being invaded by all of this. I'm starting to slowly unravel as the week crawls on and I won't find out about the job until Monday.

Needless to say, this week is interminable.

Monday, July 9, 2007

I think that I'd like to give out hugs for a living...is that a career goal?

I had a job interview today. I've fallen in love with the position and if I don't get it I'm seriously going to be SOL because I haven't really been looking elsewhere for positions.

I think the interview went really well. We talked for an hour and a half, she told me how much she liked my skills and how everyone else really liked me as well. She took me out and introduced me to the people that I would be managing as "Heide's potential replacement".

And then she told me she has a bunch more interviews scheduled this week and that she'll let me know....

Cross your fingers....?

Saturday, July 7, 2007

This Pluto thing is seriously kicking my ass

True to Bev's words my biggest fears and insecurities are being presented to me at this very moment stinking and steaming on a plate. These mundane "tests" and "trials" blow which further proves how necessary they are for me to face.

Excuse me while I go throw up and cry.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

No, my jitters are not crack-induced thank you very much

It's been two months since I've had any caffeine and tonight I went to see the Doug Little Quartet at a coffee shop. One latte later I'm so jittery I'm finding it nearly impossible to control my hands and I can't focus my attention on anything for more than about five seconds. I'm trying to think of what I can do to burn through this caffeine buzz because I'm sure as hell not going to fall asleep any time soon. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Dead weight

After getting caught in a pretty severe thunderstorm en route, we ended up doing 2 days worth of canoing on the first day because we weren't sure if there were more storms predicted. Needless to say, I'm back a day early! I can't really move my arms, I don't have the strength to clench my fingers around objects, my butt is seriously bruised from sitting on an aluminum seat for 26 hours worth of canoing/camping, but it was a hella fun trip.

Happy 4th of July, everyone! I'm taking a nap.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Happy Fourth, yo

So after a string of notoriously bad 4th of July's (my cat dying, living out of a car, etc.) I'm actually facing a potentially good Independence Day this year. I'll be gone until Thursday; I'm taking a canoe trip for a few days. Aside from the severe storms they're predicting for tomorrow, I think this trip really has potential. Wish me luck and happy 4th of July to all y'alls!

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Pictures!!!


I had problems trying to create a nice, orderly photo show with explanatory text accompanying each photo so here's just a melange of photos from my trip. If you have questions, feel free to ask.




















Clever titles don't do this post justice

Let me just start off by apologizing for taking so long to create this post. I’ve been going through a lot of things since I’ve been back--- one of which was being quite unmotivated to sit in front of a computer and put my thoughts into writing. I’ll try to focus a bit more on the ecological and cultural discoveries and insights that I made on the trip rather than the spiritual “stuff” that I experienced on the trip because I’m still struggling to put all that into words without making me sound crazy. Needless to say, I’m still mulling over a lot of the experiences that made the trip so life-changing for me.

Our first real destination was Iquitos, Peru which is the “jungle gateway/capital city” of Peru. We flew in early Tuesday morning with the intent to get us acclimated to the climate, get a few odds and ends for the jungle (rubber boots, etc), and to just absorb the culture a bit. Because it is surrounded by the jungle in three directions, the only way one can get to Iquitos is by plane or by boat. They just recently finished building a highway that leads out of Iquitos, but I believe it only goes to one other city. Because of that, few people in Iquitos have cars. The main mode of transportation is by using what they call Moto-taxis—little rickshaw/motor scooter taxi things. The streets were always congested with Moto-taxis zooming and weaving between each other, stray dogs, and other pedestrians. Looking down at the river, you could see the hundreds of people that lived in small, stilted shanty houses on the river bank as well as the boats bringing in all of the city’s produce and other goods to sell at the market. We had a lovely dinner and then prepared ourselves for our departure the next day into the jungle.

We were met the next morning by the shaman that we would be working with in the jungle as well as our naturalist/interpreter. We boarded a bus and got on the highway that led us out of Iquitos so that we could visit a nearby village to see the medicinal plant garden that the shaman had helped the villagers grow. In that village we got our first lesson about medicinal plants and their uses. We also were invited to visit the elementary school in the village where we were greeted by thirty or forty beaming eight-year-olds. It was priceless.

We continued on the bus and boarded a boat in Nauta and traveled for about an hour and a half into the depths of the jungle to the lodge.

Our time in the jungle was structured around the stifling heat and humidity (minimum 80% humidity in the jungle). We generally rose with the sun every morning and got ready to have breakfast at about 7:30 (being so close to the equator meant that 365 days a year the sun rises at 6am and sets at 6pm). We would then usually go for a hike or a boat ride right after breakfast so that we could be back to the lodge before it got too hot. We had lunch at the lodge and were generally free to swim/meditate/nap/play with monkeys until our late afternoon/evening hike or boat ride when it had cooled down a bit. On the hikes we would see how the medicinal plants we were learning about grew naturally, look for different animal species, and also just absorb the sights and sounds and smells of the jungle. The jungle shamans believe that the healing powers of the jungle come directly from the sights and the sounds and the smells and we took that seriously.

While in the jungle we also took part in 3 different healing ceremonies and had the option of having a private healing with the shaman. I participated in all four ceremonies and had a powerful, physical experience during each one. Going into this trip I was excited to learn about the healing practices of the shamans, but I guess I was a little na├»ve and didn’t anticipate actually feeling the effects of the jungle energy.

So now, after spending time in the Amazon jungle, I can say the following:

I saw a boa constrictor, 12 sloths, an anteater, Blue Morpho butterflies, and the smallest species of monkey in the world, a tarantula, the largest earthwork I have ever seen in my entire life, among hundreds of other things

I held a baby caiman

I swam with pink dolphins, piranhas, electric eels, and sting rays

I drank water from a vine in the middle of the jungle

I ate the best fish I have ever had in my life

I went piranha fishing and ate what we caught (though not related to above)

I hugged a shaman

I was totally blown away and have a lot to figure out now.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Covered in jungle kisses




I'm back from the jungle and am reliving it every time I scratch one of my many mosquito bites or "jungle kisses" as I ended up calling them so as not to get stressed about the constant threat of malaria. It was a truly life-changing experience. I'm not saying that as someone who was just excited by what they did on the trip---there were so many things that happened on the trip that I cannot even begin to put into words. I had a breakdown two-thirds of the way through the trip because of some of the unexplainable events that happened...now I sound like I've joined a cult, but it's true. Maybe it was because I was high the whole time from breathing in so much more pure oxygen than we get in America, but I have a lot to reflect on before I can even begin to blog about this trip.

But, so as not to let you all down, I've posted some pics to give you a little taste of the joys of the jungle.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Pimped out like Indiana Jones

It's 12:30 now. I leave for the airport in 4 hours. I haven't decided yet if I should try to sleep before I leave. Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to sleep even if I tried. I'm pretty jacked up right now. I have a few chores to do...get some bills taken care of for while I'm gone, clean the kitchen, take out take out the trash, etc. It's hard for me to believe that I'm going to be wading through the mud of the Amazon Jungle in a little over a day. I can't wait to wear my "jungle clothes". I'm going to be pimped out like Indiana Jones....only minus the bullwhip. Rather, I'll be armed with sunscreen and granola bars. Prepare yourselves for stories filled with pirrhana eating, monkey touching, and river swimming goodness. Let's hope there will be no running away from anacondas or malaria-induced hallucinations. Check back in a few weeks for pictures.

Wish me luck!

Friday, May 18, 2007

I guess I'm stressed

A few weeks ago I thought I was allergic to my new hypo-allergenic laundry detergent. Three different brands of hypo-allergenic laundry detergent later, I'm still breaking out in hives. I'm getting them mostly on my thighs, shoulders, and the soles of my feet. I haven't really noticed a pattern in the timing of the breakouts so I've either developed an overnight allergy to all laundry detergent or I guess I'm stressed. I'm hoping it's stress, because I'd like to be able to wash my clothes without breaking out in a nasty case of hives.

When I was fifteen I developed an allergy to Benzol Peroxide overnight. I had been using the same acne medication for nearly a year and then *BLAMMO* one morning I woke up and my whole face was neon red and swollen. I had coincidentally used a new brand of soap that night so the next night I used my old brand of soap and the medication. Sure enough, the next morning I woke up with a swollen, neon red face. I haven't been able to touch Benzol Peroxide since. I once used some mystery pimple zapper stuff my cousin had without reading the label. I put a little pin-sized dab on my chin and about 20 minutes later my chin swelled up and turned bright red. I checked the label and saw that its active ingredient was Benzol Peroxide.
Bastard chemicals.

I guess I have reason to be stressed. The hives started about the time that I was getting my Peru stuff in order and taking final exams. I went to the bank today and got some cash for Peru. Minus the amount that's going to be used for June's bills, etc. I have $25 left in my account. Ouch.

Looks like I'll have to start job hunting when I get back.

Monday, May 14, 2007

I'm officially done with school

What a relief. I'm still exhausted, though, because the fam's in town.

As much as I appreciate them taking time to celebrate with me, it's hard to play hostess all the time. I've been doing lots of this:

Yay for gas being $3.25 a gallon. My one brother finally got to meet the kitties. He fell in love.

How could he not? Anyway, the brothers and sisters-in-law have all left, but the parents will still be staying with me until Wednesday or Thursday. Please forgive me for my lack of posts.

Friday, May 4, 2007

I almost peed my pants on the bus

No joke. Operation Hydration is proving to be more difficult than previously anticipated. I managed to hold it in while running cross-legged, desperately clenching my poor little bladder muscles to my apartment. Who knew that fishing for one's keys could be such a harrowing experience.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Commencing Operation Hydration

It's May 1st. 20 days until Peru. I have started drinking obscene amounts of water to try to make sure I'm fully hydrated for my trip. I also need to condition my bladder to hold large quantities of water without having to pee every five minutes....that's a skill that I envy in many people.

In other news, I discovered today that I am allergic to the fancy new hypo-allergenic laundry detergent that I bought a huge bottle of. Go figure. My co-worker told me when I showed her the hives that were spreading all over my body that she has the same reaction to hypo-allergenic dogs. Fancy that!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Disease babies

I got my Peru vaccines today. Four of 'em. Yellow Fever, Dysentery, Hepatitis A, and a Tetanus booster. I also have to take 17 malaria pills that cost $6 a pop. I feel like Mr. Burns in that one episode of the Simpsons where he has every disease imaginable and that is why he never gets sick. I now have little baby diseases swimming around in me keeping my immune system in a perfect state of fragile equilibrium.

For those of you who aren't familiar with my upcoming Peru trip, on May 21 I'm going to Peru to study herbal medicine and spiritual healing in the Amazon Jungle with a shaman. The doctor asked me in the consultation where I was going to be staying---"in a hotel, hostel, or with a family?" I responded, "ummm....in the jungle". He pondered my response for a moment and then placed a check in the box marked "hostel" since, as he put it, hostels can be pretty dirty.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It ended with a lift

I’d like you all to meet Audrey.

Audrey is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We have been friends since middle school and our relationship has evolved to that level that’s really annoying to outsiders because we finish eachother’s sentences, read eachother’s minds, and relay information through completely fragmented thoughts. This is exemplified by our conversation last night:

Me: Who knows what's going to come out of [my] Peru trip

Audrey: You and Sean Connery are going to live in the rain forest and make awesome music that kids will skate to for ice shows

Me: HA! Can it be Pierce Brosnan instead?

Audrey: Oooo yeah, better

Me: I thought so

Audrey: Oh hell how about the whole cast of the departed

Me: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Audrey: yeah, pretty much

Me: I'm going to a fancy ball on Saturday as the date of a gay man

Audrey: oh shut up, you're so lucky

That being said, we are complete opposites (see below picture). If we were married, she would most definitely be the wife and I would most definitely be the husband. One could say, we complete each other. (That was overly sappy, feel free to gag)

Unfortunately, Audrey and I only get to see each other once or twice a year. When we do get together, we generally spend half the time catching up or reminiscing and the other half of the time laughing hysterically and wetting our pants. There was the time I completely doused Audrey’s face with Vaseline, lotion, and baby powder and then put enough makeup on her to make her look like a diseased Elizabethan whore for our Shakespeare class project in 8th grade….

There was the time that we were driving with her former boyfriend after going shopping and his car started on fire because his brother tried installing rope lights on the dashboard….

And then there was the time that we randomly made a skit inspired by my bridesmaid dress for my brother’s wedding where we were two gay Germans named Yamas and Yim who were holding beer steins and wearing lederhosen. In addition to creating the character profiles, we ended up choreographing and performing a lederhosen-inspired clog dance that ended with a lift. I wish I could say that we did that when we were fourteen, but I believe it was only two or three years ago.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wait....what?????

So I just got sent home from work because of a bomb threat. After we got evacuated from the building, we were standing outside waiting to hear whether we'd be able to return to work or just go home. About 20 minutes later, more troops showed up: about 5 more squad cars, a few police officers on horseback, the channel 5 news team, a few helicopters, and a gigantic Girls Gone Wild tour bus. The GGW bus pulled up right next to where I was standing, opened its giant bus door (that happened to be painted to resemble some girl's silicone-enhanced cleavage) and a bunch of nasty meat-heat guys jumped out and started running around handing out flyers for a GGW super breast-a-thon that was going on this weekend.

Not only do I regret not having my camera to capture the Girls Gone Wild bus parked in front of a giant police barricade, but also to capture the priceless facial expression of a poor college freshman talking to her parents on the phone worried about the bomb scare while confusedly holding a flyer picturing a drunk co-ed exposing herself.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Elvis Costello is stalking me!!!

Friday: Had one line of an Elvis Costello song stuck in my head all day

Saturday: Said song still in my head. Turned on radio when driving my friend home, heard said song on radio.

Sunday: Turned on radio when driving to meditation thing. NEW Elvis Costello song playing on radio. New song mocking me while I desperately attempt to tune it out and meditate.

Monday: Sitting in first class of the day and hear the people next to me talk about Elvis Costello.

No joke.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Trying not to let the peeps down


Ok, so I've been lame again and haven't posted anything for a while. I have a lot of stuff worth posting but it's all up in the air right now. I promise I shall return with many updates, pictures, and witty anecdotes galore. Just gimme a little time for my hell week to pass.