Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Sorry I'm such a lameass

I’m still alive, I know I had you all worried. My life kind of exploded and, well, things happen. Ok, yeah, I’ve also just been really lazy. You caught me! Whatever. Right now I’m trying desperately to find enough candles/incense to cover up the smell that’s coming into my apartment from the hallway. It smells like burnt grossness and plastic so my best guess is that some idiot in my building forgot to unwrap their frozen pizza before they stuck it in the oven.

At work I was going through the spam emails we get and one in particular caught my eye. It was from a man (?) named Tadpole C. Uzbekistan. I realize that it was an alias that was most likely generated by putting a string of random words together, but it reminded me of the game middle schoolers play to figure out their porn star name. I always played using the name of your first pet combined with the street you grew up on. Mine is Mo Burdick, which sounds like the name of a porn star who gets filmed in some old hairy guy’s living room.

When I was 5 years old I hated my name and planned on legally changing it when I was old enough. I wanted to change it to Elizabeth Maries because Elizabeth and Mary were my two favorite names. I don’t remember why I liked the names Elizabeth and Mary; I was just that cool growing up. Needless to say, I decided that was a stupid idea but I still use the name as an alias in emergency situations. So if you’re ever hitting on a chick and she tells you her name is Elizabeth Maries, there’s a good chance that you won’t be getting into her pants because the number she gave you is bogus. Sorry, you just weren’t my type.


This came up when I did a Google search for "wrong number". Genius.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh that reminds me I have to track down where I left my phone.

Jeremy said...

Screetus, I think I left my keys in there, too.

Bo said...

Ross Pecanwood, at your service.

(I think I have the coolest generated porn star name ever.)

lesley said...

Ooo, Bo, that is good. I prefer using my next most recent Pet-Street combo...Mimi Crane. I think that's better, but it would be cheating to make that my "official" porn-star name.

lesley said...

Screetus and Jeremy, doesn't that just make you wonder what kinds of crazy X-ray stories ER doctors have?

Elizabeth said...

I'm Tuffy Duke. I think that sounds like a 40's gangster, but whatevs.

And my ER friend has stories involving a Mrs. Butterworth bottle stuck where the sun don't shine. Basically, that's the story.

Jeremy said...

My porn name would be Max Rural Route 1. :-(

lesley said...

Jeremy, in that situation your name would become Max "Rural Route 1" *your mother's maiden name* as in Max "Rural Route 1" Morris (my mom's maiden name). Can't you just see it in the credits of a porno about sexy hitch hikers or truck-stop porn?

I was told to use my mother's maiden name because I didn't have pets growing up.

Bo said...

Oops, I didn't play by the stated rules. The way we did it was your middle name plus the street you grew up on.

Alas, my first pet + my street is nearly as good.

At your service,
Snooks Pecanwood

Sandra said...

Honeybear Macalester - yeah that's me.

Hedy De Vine said...

Tuffy Broadway. Beat that.

Jesus said...

brock pillsbury,

however, if we count California and things i don't remember it would be: Blacky Noyo Harbor


and i think that "max rural route 1" wins! i gushed coca cola through my nostrils

Hedy De Vine said...

whoa, elizabeth and i are both tuffy. i'll fight you for it.

Aliecat said...

Spike Virginia...odd.

Hedy De Vine said...

hey technosexual, how's ur ck in2u. lol.